


If it's words you seek (I'll Remember You)

by OctoberWren



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, BAMF Darcy Lewis, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, F/M, Humor with the Angst, Possessive Behavior, Protective Steve, Slow Burn, Stubborn Steve, Ye have been warned, again sorry, and an even more stubborn Darcy, because i roll more with that, cause that's how I roll, grumpy steve, hence the slow burn, like so much guys, mentions of torture, mmm sorry, oh and soulmates, promise it will have a happy ending, yep it's that Au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2018-12-29 17:24:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12089790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OctoberWren/pseuds/OctoberWren
Summary: Darcy Lewis is many things, avoidance expert, current holder of the Hydra Survivor Cup and not to boast, but she's at an expert level with self defense in sarcasm and shiny wit.What she's absolutely not is Steve Rogers Soulmate, she doesn't give a flying monkey what The Universe is trying to tell her with the 'gifts' she's recently acquired, i.e Reading His Mind and other tricks that have to do with The Good Captain.Her and Steve? Pffft, that's never gonna happen.





	1. Fairy Tales are for chumps

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo I'm back? Yay?
> 
> Seriously though this fandom was so welcoming to me that I had to stay longer and with me I brought my second ever multi-chapter story. The odd Idea just came to me and wouldn't let go. It's going to be a bumpy ride, because for those of you who haven't read my previous stories, I'm a lover of angst. Also slow burns. Happy to see me now?
> 
> Whoops.
> 
> In this story Darcy has been held captive by Hydra for three years, so there will be mentions of that, if that's not your cup of tea I completely understand! But if it is, strap in your seat belts kids, where in this for the long haul.
> 
> As always Thank you So much Dolls for continuing to make me feel so very welcome here. I really adore all of you! And Thank you for reading! Much, much Love.
> 
> Check me out on tumblr if you like ; ) I always love chatting to new people [OctoberWren](http://octoberwren.tumblr.com/)  
> (Not beta read! all mistakes are mine, unfortunately.)  
> (Also nothing belongs to me, all characters are owned by marvel)

* * *

 

 

It’s been three years and spare change since Darcy went missing.

 

Today she’s been found.

 

…Sort of, she’s been found adjacent, found-ish,

 

The heroes didn’t exactly storm the castle to find her. (Those things only happen in Fairy Tales and if Darcy has learned anything from captivity it’s that Fairy Tales are for chumps.)

 

So being rescued is slightly exaggerating, she’s actually really lost, and not to be dramatic or anything, but she also feels like she’s going to die, on account of some bullet wounds and some broken ribs that are calling her an asshole.

 

She’s also trying like super duper hard to not go into shock and or hysterics, because the streets are so loud it’s overwhelming, she hasn’t heard this much noise is so long and it’s frankly grating on her last nerve that hasn’t been shot at, she’d say she’s sort of missing her cell right about now, but then Darcy would be a lying liar that lied, it’s heavily implied though.

 

Good thing the New Yorkers are giving her a wide berth to work with as she’s stumbling and clasping to shop windows and walls. But that’s probably more to do with her hospital gown being blood-drenched and her dirty bare feet, than any amount of politeness they have for her. They look at her with wide unbelieving eyes, she must have looked liked the dead walking and not in an awesome costume kind of way, in a scarred for life kind of way.

 

She _feels_  scarred for life, so there’s that.

 

Honestly, the city has seen aliens coming out of thin air to bring the world to an early apocalypse, but she’s the weird one? Yeah, okay assholes. Thanks for the help.

 

Darcy knows that Jane isn’t in the Avengers tower she’s _seen_  it, but fuck knows where the compound is, her ‘gift’ hasn’t exactly given her any information she could use. It would have been a big help if the man’s eyes she saw out of, looked at an address to- Thor forbid- help her. But no, she’s just been an unwilling exhibitionist all these years.

 

Her grip slips and she hits her knees hard, falling into an alley and apparently garbage, if the smell is anything to go by. She’s laughing so hard, that her ribs are screaming at her to cut that shit out, but she declines to comment.

 

Because wouldn’t this be the cherry that tops the fucking cake on her crap-tastic day, not only is she sure blood loss is really a factor now, but she’s nowhere near close to finding her best friend, she’s a big girl and Darcy will freely admit that she desperately needs a hug right now.

 

_After everything that happened, after everything she had done…_

__

This is how it all ends, thrown out like trash, she tries to get up, she really does because she wants to see Jane, are her and Thor married yet, has she invented more crazy things? Darcy wants to know all that and infinitely more, so she tries getting up one more time, using all the willpower and stubbornness that had helped her survive this long. But when her knees buckle and her breath catches across her lungs, she feels the black despair wash over her.

__

Darcy isn’t laughing now, she’s far beyond that, she’s sobbing, ugly tears that her mother would be ashamed of, _Darcy dear, no one likes an ugly crier, how do you think your Soulmate will feel if he found that out?_

Her mother’s words ring in her mud feeling mind and it only leads her to think of her actual soulmate, because she’s sure he wouldn’t care how she looked like when she cried, not because he loved her exactly the way she was, no, that would be far too easy, and the universe liked to kick her in the balls.

 

He didn’t remember her, let alone know what she looked like while she cried, so suck it, Mom.

 

Darcy knew he couldn’t know her face from a crowd because she _saw_ it, fate was a bitch and so was Hydra. All those pain induced experiments didn’t make her a weapon, it made her the number one expert on their most wanted; Captain America.

 

She looked through the world with his eyes, she felt his emotions, and Hydra thrilled that they knew before he did, Steve Rogers had a soulmate and he didn’t even remember her, they never let her forget that little nugget, that more than all the torture almost killed her, that she was lost among the many faces of everyone he had met.

 

Darcy saw the moment the girl with a toothy smile and hand-delivered coffee slipped his mind, she felt the moment she vanished like smoke as another world ending situation weighed on his shoulders.

 

Darcy’s blood was pooling around her, just another gory site in the alley, and she had the fleeting thought of Steve and how wide his eyes would go if she had ever said a word to him. Oh, she knew what his words were, they were tattooed on the skin above her heart. It was enough for her to know fate got it wrong. So she never said a thing, Darcy just loved him from afar, trying to make his life just a little bit better.

 

She was bit bitter, a wet laugh escaped her, along with more blood staining her lips, how she was still producing more red to this mess, Darcy had no clue.

 

Her only dying regret was that she couldn’t extinguish the love she had for him, even now, she hoped that he would run into the light and smile at her for the first and last time because she was a sappy fool.

 

But no one came, she was all alone as she fell listlessly to the side, her last conscious thought was that Fairy Tales were honestly the very, very worst.

 

 

* * *

 

 

She wished it was like in the books, waking up after a harrowing experience in a hospital would have been nice or at least a qualified doctor would be at the top of her list, call her a snob.

 

But no, she didn’t even get the good drugs, what she got was all the fucking pain, that had her bolting up while Clint-fucking-asshole-Barton, dug a bullet out of her leg while Natasha-I’m-not-calling-her-a-name-she-could-kill-me-Romanov, shoved a cloth into Darcy’s mouth and pushed her back down. Also, she was in a moving vehicle, so the cloth was probably a good idea seeing as she was trying not to throw up.

 

“Mmmffffffkkk!”She was cussing though, it helped with the burning agony and no upchuck problem.

 

The Black Widow, on the other hand, looked cool as a cucumber and just stared at her calmly while Darcy screamed like a banshee, her voice was indifferent when she said, “Darcy, you have to stay calm or we might hit an artery.” like this was a normal day.

 

It probably, totally, was to her, Darcy, on the other hand, ignored the pain for a split second to look at the Avenger like she was batshit insane.

 

Natasha just smirked, which didn’t exactly help Darcy with thinking she wasn’t two bullets short of a clip.

 

“Got it.” Barton’s deep voice sounded like it came from underwater, “Next up, the chest.” and thankfully Darcy lost consciousnesses after that.

 

* * *

 

 

The second-less painful-time she woke up it was in a bed and if she didn’t feel like absolute shit, she might have appreciated the softness of it. But she did feel like shit so, call her ungrateful.

 

“You’re awake.” An unknown feminine voice came from her left and Darcy’s heart spiked with adrenalin and an unhealthy dose of fear ran through her, too late to stop it, too late to try to calm down to stop the-

 

_“What do you mean you brought someone in? That’s against protocol and you know it Romanov. Bringing in a stranger puts all our lives at risk.” So much anger and frustration, Darcy drowned in it, and underneath it all worry as Steve stared at Natasha, who lifted an eyebrow that had made lesser men piss their pants, she couldn’t see it but Darcy was fairly certain The Captain only frowned harder at the action._

_“She’s not a stranger,” Natasha said slowly, as if she was talking to a moron, “it’s Darcy, Steve. Darcy Lewis who doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.”_

_But Darcy could feel Steve’s unyielding mind, it had been one of the things she had always adored about Steve. He always stood up for what he believed, no matter the consequence, he did what was right, she just never thought in a billion years that she would be considered wrong in his head. Well no that wasn’t true, wasn’t that why she never said a word to him, the very reason she never said his words? She knew, deep down, he’d hate what he saw. Give her a prize then, looks like Darcy hit the nail on her coffin._

_“You know that for sure do you? Alright, so where has she been for who knows how long?” Steve said in an accusing tone and Darcy wanted out, she wanted to leave this fucked up vision, she wanted out of his head right the fuck now._

_She could feel the pressure of trying to break free, her brain felt to tight, but she wasn’t giving up. It didn’t matter that it never worked before, she’d make it work, Darcy was screaming inside his head to let her go, but just like every time before, Steve didn’t even flinch._

_“It’s been three years Steve and by the look of her I’d say she was captured.” Natasha was a smart woman, and with her words came a red haze of rage that Darcy only felt a few times being linked to Steve._

_“Yeah, and you know what else happened three years ago, Natasha?” He didn’t let her respond, he cut her off while he gritted out through clenched teeth and black swirling anger, “Hydra. So that can only mean one of two things. Either she’s been compromised or she’s been a sleeper agent all along. So forgive me if I don’t trust her, there are kids here, I won’t risk it.”_

 

Her mind snapped free with those cutting words, while the woman who had started all this was bending over her trying to inject her with something. Whatever it was Darcy was not going to find out. She pushed the doctor out of her way and the other woman gasped and tumbled down, she had a momentary feeling of guilt but it was overshadowed by the panic and fear swimming in her veins.

 

She jumped out of the bed and made a run for it, Darcy didn’t care that her body protested the movement, she gave no flying monkey fucks that she could feels stitches popping and blood dripping down her skin. She needed to put as much distance between herself and that self-righteous jackass, no matter how her body paid the price. She had been through worse.

 

She slammed the door open and ended up in a hallway, fifty-fifty shot, the left showed more doors and a bigger possibility of getting caught, the right had a clear shot of the kitchen, which Thor willing had a back door.

 

Left it was then, may the odds ever be in her favor.

 

They were not, of course, they weren’t. The universe, her? Pfft. Those odds were never going to be in her favor.

 

Darcy stopped dead as she entered the kitchen only to see two kids drawing at the dinner table, past them she spotted a large window and next to that was the holy grail, a front door.

 

The boy who looked around seven dropped his crayon with a wide mouth, the girl who looked younger pointed at her in fascinated horror, Darcy was 99% positive she was offended by the crazy ladies wild looking hair.

 

“Hey,” Darcy croaked trying to seem less threatening, but by the squeaking of their chairs, as they moved backward, far away from her, she felt like she may have failed, miserably.

 

“I’m just ganna,” she pointed to the door while moving slowly around them, still trying not to frighten small children, “If you could keep this just between us, that would be awesome sauce.” The boy nodded so fast his blonde hair shook at the action, while his sister (Darcy was guessing they were related or Steve and Natasha had opened up a daycare, which was amusing to think about actually,) kicked him under the table while shaking her head in the negative, vehemently.

 

Whelp, so much for a united front, “Cute picture, I like dragons.” She was still moving at a snail's pace and Darcy was really getting jittery, but the little boy smiled so brightly at her compliment, showing all gums and two missing teeth, that she almost didn’t care that she was a hairbreadth away from getting caught. She sorta melted inside, and it was such a pure feeling, it made her feel warm and a little happy, an emotion that was sorely lacking in her life.

 

She almost considered sitting her butt down with the children and drawing a picture, she would have done it years ago, but the girl stretched her mouth open, and all Darcy’s warm feelings vanished.

 

“Uncle Steve!” The girl screeched like an opera singer, but Darcy was already running and swearing, “The lady said a bad words, swear jar, swear jar!”

 

Damn little Gremlins.

 

She finally made it to the door and pushed it open, the wood of the front porch banged against her feet and Darcy jumped the stairs leading to freedom, she absorbed the impact when she landed on the ground even when it sent a shock waves across her legs and her bullet wound was not thanking her as she ran through the yard.

 

But this was it, she was free from stupid damn soulmates and tattling children, she could taste the rest of her life, without worry, screw the pain of a few injuries.

 

The silhouette that jumped from a fucking tree almost had her wishing she didn’t leave her stolen gun behind in the flaming building that was her prison, but Bucky Barnes would live another day as she barely dodged him.

 

Not fast enough for a second guy to launch himself from the bushes (what the ever loving shit were they doing? Playing hide and seek?) and grab her elbow forcefully pulling her to a screeching halt.  

 

“You got her Sam?” An eerie familiar voice said from behind her and it had been forever that Darcy had heard that deep voice live and in stereo and not bouncing around in her head that it had her paralysed, her muscles locked up and her spine straightened.

 

“Yeah I got her, man” Sam answered while keeping a tight grip on her and it was weird that she actually knew these men, but they knew diddly squat about her.

 

Sam liked tomato sauce but not tomato’s, he secretly listened to Taylor Swift when he thought Steve wasn’t looking but Steve was a snarky man after her heart and videotaped him for blackmail on chores. He was loyal, fierce and would walk beside Steve even when it landed him in hell.

 

Bucky liked his coffee black first thing in the morning but drank it the rest of the day with way too much sugar and cream to be healthy, even for a super soldier. He kept a list like Steve did, but instead of pop culture to keep up with, it was a list of names and next of kin of the people he had been brainwashed to kill. He kept an eye on all of the families, making sure they were safe and Steve felt a sense of deep guilt and pride every time he saw that red leather-bound notebook.

 

And Steve, she practically knew it all, she was the Wiki of Steve Rogers and a little of the dark web. Darcy knew he still feared the cold even though he thought it was illogical. He had a vinyl that he would listen to on the day he went into the water, he’d think of Peggy and wonder why it wasn’t her that was his Soulmate. He’d wait for a girl that would never come and look at the sentence across his chest with hope and confusion. Both of their words convinced Darcy that fate had a nasty sense of humor, it’s also made her know deep in her bones that they weren’t Meant To Be.

 

So yeah, Darcy knew things, too much things for her own good, if she knew nothing it might take the sting out of them looking at her with suspicion and anger. As it was, it felt like a scalpel running across her skin.

 

Blue crashed against blue as she looked into Steve’s eyes, she flinched when he took a step closer to her and he narrowed his eyes in response to her movement, “Why did you run?”

 

Instinct had her shutting her jaw and avoiding eye contact, muscle memory, Sam squeezed her arm in response to her silence, and she turned to glare at him. “Let me go, I don’t like being touched.”

 

He scoffed, “Yeah I don’t think so Lady, you’re a flight risk and The Captain asked you a question.”

 

“The Captain,” Darcy snarled his title so viciously that Sam’s eyes widened, “can kiss my ass. Let me go now, while I’m still asking nicely.”

 

“This is you playing nice? Sweetheart, I think you might not understand what that word means.”Bucky drawled out the words sounding smooth but when Darcy turned to glare at him next his hand was holding his gun that was strapped to his thigh, an intimidating move not lost on her. Her Hydra guards used to do the same thing when she got out of line, and thinking of Bucky in the same thought as them sent a shiver down her spine.

 

The Captain and the Winter Soldier didn’t miss the action but she hid it like she normally did, with a bucket full of snark, “I haven’t kneed him in the balls yet, so yeah, this is me playing nice. Call me sweetheart one more time and that threat might become his reality.”

 

“Why do I get the punishment, he said it.” Her captor said in a whine, sounding not at all threatening, but Darcy knew better, they were one wrong action or word away from hauling her ass back inside.

 

“You’re closer.”

 

“Enough Miss Lewis. Play times over, why did you run if you’re supposed to be on our side?” Took Steve long enough, she thought his jaw was going to crack with the way he had been clenching it this whole time.

 

Still, she refused to say anything, not to him, never to him. He may be stubborn but Darcy Lewis was no quitter, gym class had never and would never count.

 

“I don’t think she likes you, Steve.” Bucky, smirk in place turned to say to his best friend, but Steve didn’t respond he took another step into her personal space and just like last time she froze.

 

He opened his mouth to demand more questions maybe, but at the final moment hesitated as his eyes glanced down and then his lips thinned and his whole demeanor shifted to grim mode.

 

Which rude, a lot of people loved the girls, she didn’t know whether to blush or slap him, Darcy was leaning more to violence really, when Steve spoke, “You’re bleeding, again”

 

Oh, right, she wasn’t going to say anything, but yeah she was in quite a lot of pain.

 

“I’ll bring her back inside to Helen.” And even Darcy could hear the excitement in Sam’s voice when he spoke.

 

But the panic returned to her full force, she couldn’t go back in that house again, not when Steve despised her, not when she knew she couldn’t actually talk to him.

 

Sue her for wanting the guy to like her without the universe trying to shove it down their throats or for him to trust her without having to say his damn soul mark out loud.

 

“No,” She said the words to Steve but aimed them at Bucky over the Captain's huge shoulders, she was a pro at avoidance by now, “I will not go back in there, You want to hear my story so you can trust me? Fine, but spoiler alert, it doesn’t have a happy ending. It’s about a lab assistant that was forgotten.” Darcy could see Steve’s shoulders tense at her last words but she went on heedlessly, still looking into Bucky’s eyes.

 

“She loved working with hero’s, she loved making a difference even if it was something as shallow as giving out coffee and trying to help the geniuses with their important work. It made her small world seem larger than it actually was, she felt appreciated, but one day she knew how wrong she was. Hydra came and took her away while she was in Captain America’s office, leaving the all-important, shallow coffee to spill on his hard drive, so they wouldn’t be able to extract information from it. They took her and tortured her, because now she became that information she destroyed. They pored placebo into her veins and said it was poison, they poked and burnt at her skin and then poured what was left of her into a cell that was cold and wet. Only to do it again and again and again”

 

“Miss Lewis-” Steve tried to interrupt her, his voice the softest she’s ever heard it, the deep timber was never that quiet or worried when it was directed at her, she also didn’t notice Sam’s grip leave her as he took in a shuddering breath.

 

Darcy was to lost in the memories, she was too busy drowning in them, her voice rising with the beat of her sore heart, she wasn’t paying any attention to her surroundings, “I never broke, I never told them anything even when-” and here Darcy stumbled to a stop and a gasp ripped from her, because she could swear to high heaven that she was innocent and maybe for a year she was.

 

But then they got into her head, they saw what she saw and the Avengers paid dearly for her gift. Steve suffered the worst because of her and by the time she was lucid enough to figure out what was happening it was too late. His team had been broken.

 

Darcy was guilty.

 

After-the final plan was to use her as bait to kill Captain America, the leader, and see the team fall even more and Darcy couldn’t, she couldn’t- “I killed them, I couldn’t, they wanted to and I couldn’t let them!”

 

Somewhere in the back of her head, she felt warning signs flash brightly but she was too exhausted to care, she just wanted to lay on the ground and not come up for air for a good long while.

 

“Darcy I need you to look at me,” That was the last thing she wanted, she just wanted to sleep, why couldn’t he understand that?

 

Skin touched skin and all other thoughts ripped from her mind, she felt _everything_ Darcy was swimming in emotions, but they weren’t her own, she knew what this was, she could feel the familiar touch of Steve’s mind, but it never happened like this before.

 

His guilt, his worry, but underneath it all a tinge of fear and surprise and overriding that was confusion because looking up into his blue eyes, Darcy knew that the jig was up.

 

For almost three years she had been unwillingly peeking into his mind and it now looked like Steve was riding the Darcy Lewis feels train.

 

She had shitty luck because she knew the only emotion in her now marked her as a traitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, you made it this far! thanks for reading guys! Hugs and kisses!


	2. Hindsight is a bitch and so is HYDRA.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks like woah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the hell guys? How did I ever get so damn lucky to have you all love my odd ball fic so much? I love you with everything in me! Seriously!!  
> This chapter almost killed me, I wanted it to be just right, and it just wouldn't work with me. I think I scared my neighbors with all my cussing. (It has be re-written a lot) I'm finally happy with it, sort of, I always get nervous before posting no matter how many times I've done it before. It's just, you guys loved it so much, that I'd hate to disappoint you. (guess my neurotic side is showing) But I hope you like reading it! 
> 
> Side note: This contains flashbacks and the timeline in MCU is a bit wonky for me where Darcy is concerned, just so you guys know, this takes place just before S.H.I.E.L.D falls and Darcy is in DC at the time. Also this story will get super angsty before it's smooth sailing, why can't I just write fluff? My mind would thank me.
> 
> Anyway, just know that i really appreciate all of your comments and Kudos, reading them always puts me in the best moods! So THANK YOU!!! Much love, dolls.
> 
> This is for Zee who had a shitty week, sorry I'm late hon, hope you're feeling better!
> 
> (not beta read, all mistakes are mine unfortunately)  
> (I own nothing, in fact Marvel owns me)
> 
> Come check me out on tumblr if you'd like ; ) [OctoberWren](http://octoberwren.tumblr.com/)  
> 

* * *

 

 

_**3 years ago** _

__

Darcy loved her job, most days. The benefits were good, and honestly, she needed those, it was all fine and dandy being an intern with Jane when there weren't Aliens and Gods trying to have a smackdown on planet earth. And for some Loony Toons reason, Darcy was always smack dab in the middle of all of that world ending hoopla.

 

So when Nick Fury himself offered her a job, well what was she supposed to say?

 

No. She could have said no, Jane had demanded she say "Fuck no, you damn pirate." But Darcy really needed the health coverage, it was just a hop skip and away before she was shot at, and she was trying to be an adult and handle her business.

 

Janey hated the idea, but she slowly came around when Darcy had pointed out quite reasonably, if she said so herself, that what better way to keep an eye on S.H.I.E.L.D shenanigans than to have an all-access pass to their home base.

 

Technically her job title was ‘File Manager', so a lackey in Nick Fury terms, Darcy fully believed he'd only given her the job so he could keep an eye on her. But whatever, she had a coffee shop in her workplace and a hell of a view.

 

A view she had been creepy staring at for over three months now, it was borderline stalker behavior. But the man had an ass that wouldn't quit, and that navy uniform did so many things for Darcy's late night imagination, that she physically couldn't help but stare.

 

It was only when she started noticing other things that Darcy thought she may be in some trouble here.

 

Like the way, he opened doors for the science dudes, who stuttered and looked on in awe, or how he sometimes looked so lost, like a boy who let go of his mother's hand. He came in some days bloody and broken, with eyes that seemed too haunted to be real. It took everything Darcy had and then some not to rush over and hug the stuffing out of his chest, just so he didn't look like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders alone.

 

Four months in and when she could actually detect his steady steps from a room away, Darcy decided that enough was enough, she needed to do something before she bear-hugged the man out of sheer frustration.

 

It was then that Darcy came up with a foolproof plan; because everyone loved coffee right? Right.

 

She'd put on her big girl pants and give him something to smile about because his sad face was breaking her soul, so she ordered a coffee just the way he like it, ignoring the side-eye she received from the barista when she wrote down the order.

 

She then marched her butt down to his office that looked as bummed out as he was, with the plain gray walls and bare furnishing practically screaming his loneliness out loud with hand gestures. Darcy lifted her hand to knock on the Captain's door, only to reel back in shock when it opened up.

 

Steve Rogers towered over her and for a split second Darcy felt like she was going to lose her breath, he was just so damn handsome it was unfair to the people of earth.

 

His open face blanked carefully when he saw her standing there holding two coffees. He took in his name on one of the cups and Darcy's stomach dropped when she saw the flicker of something flash through his eyes. Before he even opened his mouth, Darcy had the strangest sort of sixth sense, she felt something disastrous coming her way, she knew exactly what he was going to say and she wanted to stop this, she wanted to wake up this morning in total ignorance. The coffee cups started to tremble in her hands as she began to wish fervently that this wasn't what she thought it was.

 

But Steve didn't notice her distress, he spoke the words that damned them both, _**"Sorry Miss, but whatever the hell this is, you're not my priority."**_

 

And just as she knew it would, Darcy's world shifted on its axis and fell apart at her feet.

 

She opened her mouth ignoring everything in her screaming to shut the hell up-keep quiet-he doesn't need to know- it was instinctive, she wanted to say something, anything to him, not to leave her alone like this, but she could only let out a stutter, It was too late anyway, he was already turning away from her, even when the coffees fell from her hand and landed on the floor in a wet mess, he never even glanced back in her direction.

 

Darcy stood like a statue, watching Captain America-no- _Steve Rogers_ (because of fucking course her mother was right. She wasn't special, she'd never be great enough for him, for the world he belonged to.) walk away with his shoulders straight like the soldier he was. He blocked out the evening sun as he left her and engulfed her surroundings in darkness.

 

Darcy really thinks her brain is coming up with bullshit metaphors at inappropriate times, but she _can't breathe. Let alone think._

 

She's left standing in the middle of his door, the air around her seemed so much colder than it was before, her teeth started chattering against the freezing air and she wanted to break down and laugh or cry, maybe both, she wanted to sink to her knees and yell that she _knew it_ , she knew this was always going to be her downfall.

 

All those years of looking at her mark, she had stupidly convinced herself that she was bigger than this moment.

 

It was the worst lie she had ever told herself.

 

_She couldn't breathe._

 

And for a vomit inducing second she thought she was going to black out, but then no, she knew this feeling, she just hadn't felt it for a few years now, she was having a panic attack. Joyness abound today.

 

She slid to the ground slowly, tracking her breaths, trying to touch the floor, smell the air, until her heart didn't feel like it was going to explode from her chest in a gory mess.

 

She hadn't felt this _fragile_ -and her mind spits the word like venom-since she left her shitty hometown, filled with shitty people.

 

Because this wasn't some average Joe…it wasn't someone who thought she was just a body with big boobs and no brains or even someone that thought her life experience consisted of a nice suburban life and no real tragedy. It wasn't even her mother's condescending taunting, _Darcy dear, are you **sure** you want to go out in that? Are you **sure** Political Science is the field for you? Don't you think he'll **love** you more if you cleaned the house?_

 

This was someone that-Thor help her- she wanted respect from. She had actually wanted him to like her, she all but scoffs at that, all she got was a mere glance and words that she never thought would spill from his perfect lips.

 

Steve Rogers was her _soulmate_ , a shudder wracks her body with just that thought, he was a _good_  person, all the things she told herself about her mythical ‘one' was ignorant.

 

She had read about his heroic deeds in history class and had admired him long before he turned out to be alive and walking in the same semi-circle as her own.

 

What the hell was the universe _thinking_ pairing her up with him? Her insecurities seemed to drown out the noise of the building as she got up and headed home.

 

In the days, weeks after, Darcy was a mess, and she couldn't shake herself out of it no matter how stubbornly she wanted to. It felt like her soul was missing, and maybe it was, maybe he took it from her the moment he spoke.

 

She went from rage to helplessness. One day she was convinced she was going to storm into his office and yell every curse words she knew and ones that she made up on the spot. She wanted to see him regret ever speaking those words, but before she'd even get to his door she ran away in a fit of panic.

 

There were plenty times she just paced the hallway and Darcy knew she looked crazy, hell, she felt like a nutjob. She stayed away from work a lot as well, she was surprised Nick Fury didn't burst into her room and drag her out by her feet. (In the oncoming days she realized why he didn't and Darcy barely kept the tears away when she thought about how her life would have been, if she just put on the news)

 

Darcy had finally made up her mind, she would just say something, he had the right to at least know, Darcy couldn't keep it from him, that was unfair, although she really, really wanted to. It was taking most of her strength not to get on a plane and book it to the nearest deserted island. She wanted to crawl into a ball and scream until her throat was sore. But Darcy Lewis wasn't a coward, and she wouldn't let her shitty hometown be right about her. She _wasn't_ second best, she deserved more out of her life than to be a throwaway thought.

 

Steve may not want her around but he'd at least know what they meant to each other, then and only then could he decide on where he wanted her in his world. (and if he didn't want her anywhere near him, then she would accept it like the grown-up she was, even if the very thought left her with an ache in her heart,)

 

So with that, Darcy bought a new cup of coffee, and so help her if he even thought of turning the drink of Gods away again, she entered his empty office and waited and then waited some more.

 

She stood for so long, straining to hear even the slightest noise, that her back protested her very existence. Bored, she put the coffee down at his table and sat at his desk, his chair swiveled and she amused herself by twirling in it, and almost threw it to the ground when she heard a noise outside. When it grew quiet again and her thundering heart settled down, she figured it wasn't Steve about to catch her in her lunacy.

 

When she heard the thud again she got annoyed at the dumbass that was ruining her fun times, she was an anxiety-ridden mess and whoever the hell that was, was going to get a mouth full from her when she let loose all her nervous ramblings and probably, no definitely, some insults.

 

She stormed out the room and peeked around a corner but she instantly deflated when she saw Adam looking at her sheepishly, while he tried to get into another office a few doors down. Adam was a good guy but he looked more like he should be down with the sciences dudes, than working as a field agent. He was also spacy enough that forgetting his keys was common enough occurrence.

 

Darcy was about to offer her help like she normally did, but stopped when she heard a familiar deep voice coming from the speakers, Steve's voice echoed along the walls and what came next made her blood run cold with fear.

 

"Attention all S.H.I.E.L.D agents, this is Steve Rogers. You've heard a lot about me over the last few days. Some of you were even ordered to hunt me down. But I think it's time, to tell the truth. S.H.I.E.L.D is not what we thought it was. It's been taken over by HYDRA. Alexander Pierce is their leader. The S.T.R.I.K.E and insight crew are HYDRA as well. I don't know how many more, but I know they're in the building. They could be standing right next to you. They almost have what they want. Absolute control. They shot Nick Fury and it won't end there. If you launch those helicairriers today, HYDRA will kill anyone that stands in their way. Unless we stop them. I know I'm asking a lot. But the price of freedom is high. It always has been. And it's a price I'm willing to pay. And if I'm the only one, then so be it. But I'm willing to bet I'm not."

 

Darcy's emotions ping-ponged from self-disgust and shame that she didn't know, after all these days, Steve had been going through worse things than her. He said he had been hunted, like he was just a step away from a bullet and she really fucking hoped he was okay because she wasn't sure she'd forgive herself if he wasn't.

 

Next was a burning anger that made her skin hot thinking of those HYDRA dicks, she fucking hated Nazi's and she hated that she worked in a place that was crawling with them. It was like a light switch clicked on, as Darcy realized that she wasn't alone listening to that announcement. When her eyes met Adam's, Darcy wanted to spit, his mask of clumsiness had fallen away and in its place was an ugly rage that she had never seen on another human face before. He looked alien to her.

 

"Oh Darcy," He leered at her, and she wanted to throw up, preferably on him, the dickwad. "I really wish he had waited at least a few seconds. This might have been less painful for you."

 

She had a second to think ‘what the actual fuck?' before he took steps towards her, but nope, she backed the hell up and slammed the door in his face, sliding the lock home.

 

"Please, Darcy, you think that will stop HYDRA?" His voice was too smooth behind the door, to clean and Darcy never hated someone so much in her life. "Do you think _he_ can stop this? If a head is cut off, one shall grow in its place."

 

She snorted at that, even when the door kicked in she was still chuckling with amusement at these massive douche-nozzles, "Is that in your brochure? Because and I'm just being honest here, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You do know that the Greek legend ended with Hercules killing the monster right? You _have_ cracked open a book before, right?. So I'd say the odds are against you here Adam, there's a real-life legend kicking your buddies asses right now, no way you're getting out of this alive."

 

Wow, who knew a vein could throb that angrily? Guess she hit a nerve, she wasn't smug, much. Oh who the hell was she kidding, the smirk curved her face like war paint.

 

"This is what's going to happen little girl," she didn't actually think he could piss her off more, but that kind of flew out the window and died a horrible death with that remark, "You're going to stay still and not move, I'm going to take all the information I can out of your hero's computer. I'll take you away and get a promotion for all my trouble. You, on the other hand, will be locked away in a room so small, that by week one you'll have lost your mind, your bravado will vanish and I'll be there every step of the way to watch it happen."  

 

She could lie to herself and say she was just buying time until help arrived, or that she was a second away from getting out of this. But the dread was lodged like a stone in her stomach, and she could tell that no one was coming for her. Especially not the man she really wanted to see, he was probably a bit busy saving the world.

 

There was no way out, but even as her fingers shook with terror, she'd still be damned if she let him see her fear, he wouldn't get that from her, "Okay dude, just two things, this is the twenty-first century, do you really want to be walking around as a chauvinistic prick? Because I think that's the wrong lifestyle choice."

 

"Also, who said it was just bravado? Kudos on the big words, by the way, some people, but not you obviously, would clearly see all my talk for what it was... Stalling." Darcy then flipped over the coffee cup that was for Steve and it sloshed over the computer's hard drive, there was a sizzle and- a quite frankly- underwhelming whine as the thing was destroyed.

 

She glanced up at his gaping mouth and shrugged carelessly, "Guess that promotion is off the table now, huh? Sucks for you."

 

The last thing Darcy could recall without a head-splitting throb was a fist barrelling towards her face.

 

Three years later and Adam was lying in his own pool of blood while Darcy stood over him, knife in her hand, and sick threatening to give way, and if she could go back, she'd tell that girl pacing outside of Steve's office to _say something._  To stop being such a chicken shit and use her damn voice. She had enough light in her soul to be worthy of his affection, she could be what the universe believed she was; the perfect match for him.

 

Now though, she had crimson blood dripping from her hands and guilt suffocating her lungs, his love was the last thing Darcy would ever deserve.

 

* * *

 

 

_**Present** _

 

Steve stumbled back from her, shaking his head as if to clear it, "What the hell?"

 

Darcy turned her head, she really didn't want to see what realization he came to, what kind of emotions she had unwilling let him feel, she just hoped whatever he was going to do, he'd make it quick and spare her the drama. This day had been long enough already, she was exhausted, she really didn't care how it ended at this point. Even if they had a prison at this…she was on a farm… How the hell did she only notice that now, where exactly did they expect to keep her locked up, in the barn with Betty the cow?

 

"Steve what-" Whatever Bucky was going to say was drowned out by her startled shriek, as Steve bloody Rogers, reached down and hauled her off the ground and into his arms.

 

Darcy wasn't going to lie, this was on her bucket list, but she was too shocked to actually enjoy the moment, she's also pretty sure she looked like an absolute idiot with her mouth hanging open as she stared up at his face.

 

His strong jawline of freedom tightened, when he noticed her appalled look, and was it her imagination or was he blushing slightly? She had to reel in the urge to pinch his cheeks, she succeeded, but by barely an inch of self-control.

 

"You're in agonizing pain, Miss Lewis. I could feel it." Darcy felt the rumble of his voice against her side, and she needed to have a stern talking to with her body because she shivered in response to the feeling and now was definitely not the time for her it to start perking up like a bloodhound.

 

He did smell sinfully good though, and her lady parts loved it. She wasn't even sorry.

 

If anything it looked like Steve blushed harder and her curiosity was building, she really wanted to ask what kind of aftershave he used (she thought it may have been specially made just for her, like in an actual lab somewhere) but that would involve speaking, and that was something she was going to avoid at all costs. Like the end of the world type stakes before she even uttered an I'm-your-soulmate-let's-go-for-coffee-and- by- _coffee_ -I mean-sex.

 

"So," Steve cleared his throat and shifted her in his grip, and damn she wanted to melt into a puddle as she watched his muscles flex and ripple, "You can communicate your thoughts through touch?"

 

It was then that Darcy realized a few things in rapid succession, Steve had no idea that it was only him that she could communicate with through touch, hell _she_ didn't even know she had that little trick up her sleeve or she would have built a literal wall around herself and not just her emotions.

 

Another thing was when Steve felt her pain, he picked her up gently, he was still holding her as if she was made of glass, it wasn't a big revelation but it was just so damn sweet of him that it made the cliff notes, especially if he felt her guilt, then he really was the best man she had ever come across. (He really needed to cut that shit out if he ever expected her not to love him.)

 

The last thing was probably the more important one, her hands were wrapped around his neck, so he had to be feeling all the inappropriate thoughts about those muscles, and how she had fantasized about the many things he could do with them.

 

So now she was flailing around in his arms as she tried to break free because nope, him actually knowing she lusted after him ruined _The Plan_. The not talking to him until death or the world imploded plan. It had its flaws but it was working so far.

 

She wasn't exactly succeeding in trying to run away with some sort of dignity intact, Steve just held her tighter in his unmovable arms, "Miss Lewis, please stop, you'll hurt yourself and despite what you may think, even if you did betray us, I wouldn't want anyone to be hurt under my watch. And you're in too much pain to disrupt your injuries any further."

 

She wished she could tell him that his words hurt a hell of a lot worse than any bullet wounds she suffered from. Darcy was used to physical pain, it was always her emotions that ran a little too deep and cut too sharply with her.

 

She assumed that he had felt her guilt and hey, at least she knew now where she stood. That didn't stop her from folding her arms across her chest as he walked into the house. If she could minimize skin contact and her subsequent humiliation then she would take every precaution she could.

 

They walked past the kids, now watching tv and Darcy didn't stick out her tongue when the little girl giggled at her position in Steve's arms. She was an adult, she had loads of restraint.

 

No, she did not. She leaned over Steve's huge shoulder and stuck her tongue out at the little tattle tail.

 

"That wasn't very nice," Steve said as they entered the hallway she had bolted from, she could hear the amusement softening his tone, and Darcy couldn't help the grin that teased her lips if she tried.

 

His answering grin lit the embers of a flame she thought had been killed years ago, she had to reached down deep to actually feel that it was _hope_ surging in her bloodstream. Darcy tried desperately to douse it but it kept flickering up again, and she wished that whatever happened next that, that small amount of hope didn't end up sealing her fate for the worse.

 

* * *

 

 

Fun fact, fear was one of the biggest triggers to her bond with Steve, Hydra used that information brutally. And an awesome effect was that being experimented on left Darcy with a healthy dose of fearing needles. So when Steve had left her in the room with Helen, the doctor who she really regretted pushing and yeah she felt like a dick for hurting the woman, but now that she had a huge needle in her hands, she would call them very much even, alright.

 

Darcy tried closing her eyes and counting to ten, she tried wrapping her hands in the sheets to feels something concrete, but her heart wouldn't stop slamming against her rib cage, she didn't want this, she hated this, invading his privacy. It wasn't hers to have, it was never hers to keep. She couldn't just-

 

_"Sam touched her," Steve said to half of The Avengers, all sitting on the porch looking up at their leader_

_"What?" Clint asked standing behind a brunette that Darcy knew from past episodes of Walking In Steve's Shoes, was the archer's wife and Soulmate. She cradled a baby in her hands and Darcy had never seen something so small and fragile before or that damn adorable._

_Natasha got to what Steve was trying to say first, "When Darcy touched Sam, I assume he felt nothing?" When the man nodded his answer, she carried on, "She made skin contact with Helen as well."_

_"So what you're sayin' is that Steve's finally got a girl he can understand?" Bucky chuckled at his friend's heated glare, but Darcy didn't feel real happy. If they could figure this out it was only a step closer to that_ something _bigger and more terrifying._

_Steve wasn't stupid, he'd add it all up and get a big fat Soulmate red flag._

_The only shot she had was that he was still feeling confused, "All I felt was guilt and pain." He stated and Darcy felt a sudden rush of worry,_ for her _. It was so out of left field it left her mind silent. A miracle that had never been achieved before._

_"They flipped her then?" Sam asked but Steve was already shaking his head._

_"No." He was using his Captain's voice, the one that demanded attention and Darcy could feel her eyes tear up outside of his mind, she didn't think she needed his support until she got it. She had been afraid he would look at her with eyes that were cold, that she would become his enemy. And deep down, to the squishy part of her that was forever vulnerable where this man was concerned, that part of her knew, if Steve had ever come to despise her, it was probably one of the only things left in this world that could tear her to shreds._

_"I thought maybe at first she might have been, but that's not the guilt I recognized. It was self-loathing. I think Miss Lewis fought her way out of HYDRA, she probably killed the bastards that took her, and that's what's eating her up inside." Darcy felt that swirling black rage again, it almost swallowed her up with its ferocity. Steve was livid, and she got the suspicious feeling that if she left anyone of them alive, he'd finish what she had started._

_"Why'd she run then?" Clint's wife, Laura, asked while rocking her child in her arms, Darcy felt a pang of envy as she looked on with Steve's gaze at the family, and she almost choked on her tongue when she sorted through the huge mass of emotions to fully realize that, that one had come from her. Well shit, that wasn't ever going to be thought of or repeated again._

_"She was scared," Steve shrugged looking away from his teammates to the evening sky beyond them, "she just got out of an extreme situation, trust probably isn't her first priority right now."_

_Darcy felt searing pain hearing that word repeated again, and this time she knew that came purely from her own body. Her chest burnt with it and she needed out, she wanted to keel over and just breathe properly for the first time in three years, without fear of this curse she had robbing her of her own mind._

_She just wanted this to end._

_But no one was listening to her, they never really did._

_"_

_I think-" and Steve said this so softly that even in her head, she still struggled to hear him, and maybe she didn't want to, "I think I'm hurting her."_

Darcy's link slammed closed and she took in deep gulps of fresh tasting oxygen, Helen was standing over her hands stretched as if to press down onto her chest.

 

"I'm fine." Darcy wheezed out, bending her head over her knees.

 

"Yeah and I'm not still mad about you shoving me." The small woman said with an arch of her eyebrow, but she still looked ready to give Darcy CPR.

 

"I'm sorry about that, I was a bit-" She searched for the right words to come to her, but her mind felt like sludge.

 

Helen helpfully filled in the blanks, "Crazy?" or not as helpful as she thought. But Darcy still snorted out a laugh. In another life, they might have have been great friends.

 

"I was going to say freaked out but yeah, that works."She laid back down on the bed when her words turned slurred, "Did you give me smumthing?"

 

"Yes. You were severely exhausted, frankly, I don't even know how you were still standing." Darcy tried to say something back, about her award-winning stubbornness maybe? She also feels like she should be a little more freaked the fuck out by losing awarenesses, but she couldn't get all that worked up about it.

 

She felt way too groovy.

 

Darcy's going in and out of consciousness when she opens her eyes again to a clash of blue, so bright that she smiles at it like it's the sun itself. She remembers that blue, and it never failed to bring an ache of longing to her world.

 

She lets herself feel the safety in that gaze that looks so welcoming, she loves the warmth that spreads through her like a campfire and she wants to stay in this moment forever, she wants to keep that feeling close to her, so she never feels alone again. She even lets her fingers reach out to touch and when she collides with something warm, she instantly gets hit with a strong sense of what she always assumed home would feel like.

 

And for once Darcy sleeps without nightmares or a fear of what the next day will bring.

 

* * *

 

 

Apparently what it brings is one pissed of God of Thunder and a tiny astrophysicist that wants to defend her honor and say fuck a lot while she does it, so y'know, the days looking brighter than the last.

 

Silver linings and all that shit.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys! Hope you enjoyed it, if not, thank you anyway for sticking with me this far!


	3. If it walks like a traitor and talks like a traitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is why torture was in the tag. Sorry. But also Growly Steve, so yay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Don't be mad. Sorry, it's taken so damn long for me to get a moment to write this chapter, but writer's block and life seemed to drown me. At least it in time for Valentines ; )
> 
> I've adored all your comments and they have made me feel so good and on the other side of that like a shitty person because I made you wait so long. So forgive me, and I hope this doesn't disappoint. 
> 
> I'm always a little iffy when it comes to the timeline on marvel flicks but I do mention Ragnarok in this, so spoilers for that, I'm also winging it. So somethings may not fit perfectly within cannon. Like Bucky not being in Wakanda. I'm taking liberties. : )
> 
> As always I love you guys so much for supporting me, and I hope you enjoy the update. ( I will finish this, I promise.)  
> Much love and happy reading!
> 
> P.s Darcy talks in detail of her torture in this, so if that is a trigger for anyone, it's in italic as it's part of a memory so you know what to avoid.

* * *

 

 

The first time Darcy heard about Soulmates was when she was five and hiding in her room as her mother had been screaming at her much worn down father. It was only as she grew up that the words started making any sense.

 

Her Mom had never found out who her perfect match was, she had a normal greeting etched onto her skin that could have been from any polite person. She had searched her whole young life for them, but they never appeared. Her father didn’t get a better hand out of fate, he lost his Soulmate when he was still a teenager.

 

Sometimes when Darcy looked at him back then, she could see exactly what a price the universe had stolen from her dad and whatever had been inside of him in his youth had been carved out of muscle and his spirit as the years had gone by.

 

Darcy would never let the words leave her lips but she secretly thinks that that's what killed him in the end.

 

Everyone she had met who had spoken of their other halves wove poetic stories of epic love, no one really talked about how the devastation of losing them or never finding them wrecked a person soul. Figures they would have, it was kinda in the name. The Soulmate thing of it all.

 

Darcy though thanks to her parents never once forgot it, so when she met Jane and got attached to the erratic kind-hearted scientist and then Jane met Thor, and suddenly her friend's words were said to a Prince from another freaking planet. Well, Darcy knew that their love story wasn’t going to be the easiest road traveled, so she prepared herself for being a shoulder and drinking companion to Jane.

 

When the inevitability came of a drunken Jane asking her about her own mark, Darcy shrugged and mumbled incoherently into her own drink. She had always known by her words that she might suffer the same things her parents had, she just didn’t think in her wildest dreams that the man in question would give Thor a run for his money with the muscle-y department.

 

So Jane never actually knew about Darcy’s Soulmark, a fact that she was now eternally grateful for because by the loud screeching she was hearing, Jane probably would have gone to full-on murder by portal if she ever found that little tidbit out.

 

“What do you mean she's _fine?!_ ” The decibel of her friend's voice was almost reaching nuclear level by the time Darcy had stumbled out of the room. “She’s been missing for three fucking years and Heimdall suddenly can just find her like it’s no big deal, it doesn’t matter that I’ve been asking him daily if he can, just poof and oh she’s with Captain bloody America and his other ragtag team of miscreants. And you’re telling me she’s fine, Steve Rogers, _just fine?!”_

 

Darcy was impressed, she had given up on Heimdall by day three of her six-month captivity.

 

And it hits her then that Jane is _here_ , sweet, reckless, big-hearted Jane. Who had been looking for her this whole damn time, she had never given up for three years, she kept looking even if common sense would have told her that Darcy was long gone.

 

A warmth spreads through her cold body as she opens the door and in a blink, Darcy is outside and in Jane’s arms, she doesn’t even give two shits that she’s crying a touch hysterically in front of everyone, including Steve. Jane’s here, and for once she doesn’t feel like she’s backed into a corner, ready to fight, ready to run for her life or like she’s a second away from a nervous breakdown.

 

On the other hand, the shushing noises Jane is making might suggest Darcy is indeed in the middle of that break down right now.

 

“My Lightning Sister, it’s good to see you home,” Thor says in a gruff voice that Darcy highly suspects are holding in tears, as he places a hand on her shoulder.

 

Darcy turns to hug him but stops short, blinks and blinks again.

 

“I don’t know what thing to comment on first.” She says in a slightly strangled tone, “The eye or the hair.”

 

Thor’s lips stretch into a wide and a touch manic grin while Jane huffs and then scoffs in derision.

 

“Ah you see little one, it all started when I had been accidentally on purpose trapped by a monster that you Midgardians would say looked like the devil himself.”

 

* * *

 

 

They’re all in the living room now, Darcy on the soft sofa practically dwarfed with blankets and cupping a mug of coffee. Jane had gone a little overboard with the mother-henning, almost hissing when anyone had come a little to close to Darcy’s person. Thor had without question taken the seat next to her while Jane was stubbornly glued to her other side.

 

It was a protective stance, one that Darcy wasn’t even a little mad about.

 

She was, however, gobsmacked by the end of Thor’s grand tale as was the rest of the room that had gone quiet.

 

“A giant wolf?” Sam, looking a little green coughs out, Thor nods a little too enthusiastically at the pale looking man.

 

“Aye, but it was no match for the ferocity that is the Hulk”

 

“An army of un-dead people?” Clint says next, vaguely disgusted.

 

“Aye.”

 

“What is up with your family dude?” Sam asks and this time the question seems to let the wind out of Thor’s sails, he deflates and shrugs a helpless little thing that has Darcy’s chest squeeze painfully.

 

“I suspect the secrets that covered the throne for years was enough to break down any family. Mine wasn’t an exception.”

 

Nobody has anything to say back to those words, which leads Darcy to look up at Steve, she’s been doing that a lot and she really wishes she could break the habit but he’s like a magnet to her. She’s just scarily aware of his presence but if he feels her gaze he’s not letting on. Thor’s words seem to trigger something inside of him that makes an anguished look cross his face, and for just a second Darcy has to restrain herself, just like all those years ago, it physically pains her not to hug him.

 

The look though doesn’t last long, his carefully blank mask snaps back into place and before Darcy can scold herself another gaze catches her unaware, Bucky’s intense stare makes her flinch back. If she thought she was being subtle about her sneaky looks his narrowed eyes proves that to be a bold-faced lie.

 

Luckily it’s Natasha’s voice that breaks their unblinking version of chicken, “What about Bruce? Where is he now?”

 

“Banner hasn’t come out since the Hulk took over, he said he was afraid he never would if it had to happen again.” Thor stops and looks at his team with growing resignation, “I’m not sure he will come back. The Hulk might be all that’s left of him.”

 

Natasha stiffens and Bucky immediately moves closer to her speaking in a hushed voice as everyone in the tiny room appear to have something else that fascinates them.

 

Darcy’s never really been a jealous person by nature, but looking at the two who seem to be speaking in Russian, she can’t help but feel envious of that kind of intimacy. Even Thor and Jane who seem to be a little frosty at the edges with each other have been sharing entire conversations with just a look, the kind that asks ‘are you okay?’ and ‘I’m here for you’

 

She looks back at Steve, who isn’t even aware of her pathetically longing gaze, and for about the millionth time, Darcy wishes with everything in her, that in another life she could have been happy with him.

 

It’s too late for them, it was too late the second she betrayed him. And she just wants to curse and scream, she wants to find whoever thought giving people soul marks was a brilliant idea and shake them so hard their teeth break.

 

But she doesn’t do any of that, she just curls her hands a little tighter against the mug and huddles just a little deeper into the cushions, trying to make herself appear just as small as she feels.

 

“What about the civilians?” Steve’s hardened voice cuts out her spiraling, but she doesn’t look at him, doesn’t think she can this time. “Do you have a place for them or do we need to find somewhere safe they can stay?”

 

Thor shakes his head, “They are currently paying respects to my father, as soon as Heimdall told me of Darcy, I left to find Jane.”

 

“You sure that’s wise?” Steve starts off cautiously but determined, knowing full well that his next words might sting, “Leaving them with your brother, I mean. Should we expect a portal to open up and rain hell on us again?”

 

Thor stands up and Steve looks like he's gearing for a fight but the god of lightning just smiles and lands a hand on the other blonde man’s shoulder.

 

“Don’t worry Steven, I suspect Loki has had a change of heart.” The Captain doesn’t look convinced of that fact and is opening his mouth probably to say where he can shove that optimism, when Thor speaks again, “And if he gets out of line I have instructed the Hulk to sit on him until he behaves.”

 

“And the civilians Thor, what about them?” Clint who has been strangely quiet this whole time repeats the question, “After they’ve done paying respects to your father, in the short term the farm will work, but long term that’s going to be a bit of a problem.”

 

The ringing of a phone interrupts whatever Thor was about to say, as Steve pulls out a phone from his back pocket, the phone looks ancient but Darcy knows it and who the person who would be calling.

 

Steve’s confusion is clear by the squinting of his eyes as he stares down at the name, but his voice confirms Darcy’s thoughts, “It’s Tony.”

 

All eyes whip towards him as he answers hesitatingly, “Hello?”

 

The voice on the other end is loud enough that is echoed in the small room, “Hey Capsical, you want to tell me why General Ross was just in my office with his panties in a bunch about a Miss Darcy Lewis and her reign of evil?”

 

Now all heads whip towards her but Darcy barely even notices, that name opens up a hole in her mind that is deep, cold and terrifying and she sinks into it with a speed that leaves bile rising up in her throat and her heart trying to rip out of her ribcage onto the floor in a bloody mess.

 

Great another panic attack, she wishes she could keep her shit together for one whole day and she really fucking wants to try, but her ears have turned into white noise and the only sound leaking through is her stuttered breaths.

 

Jane grabs her face but even the touch feels detached, drowned out by the burning sensation of her lungs as the air in the room is non-existent. And she’s pleading with every deity known to man and some that aren’t that she just passes the fuck out instead of the helpless feeling taking over.

 

She despises this.

 

Another hand grips her own and before she can think to flinch away, the heat that sinks into her spreads through her whole body and this time it’s not painful but safe, comforting and whispers thoughts of coming home. The black little spots that have been invading her sight disappears and she blinks Steve into her vision on his knees in front of her holding both her hands in his own larger ones.

 

_It’s okay, your safe, I’m here._

__

Darcy doesn’t know or care if the voice of his is in her head or the words are coming out of his lips, it’s enough for her to take a shuddering breath that feels so good she’s slightly light headed.

 

Steve’s concerned baby blues are staring at her still and Darcy doesn’t have the strength to break that gaze. Not while his thoughts are a wave of calmness that she desperately needs.

 

“You okay?” He asks steady and strong and Darcy has never wanted anything in her life more than she wants to burrow herself into his arms and soak up that strength that he seems to innately give out. She wants so deeply to just have him that a whimper escapes her.

 

Steve seems to take the noise as a very bad thing because his baby blue eyes that were so soft before take on raging emotions that seem like the stormy seas. His thoughts now are dark and angry and her emotions are having whiplash, it’s giving her a headache, which wasn’t unusual when she went swimming in his head, but she can’t fight it this time, Darcy feels too shaky to even try.

 

She always knew Steve was more than just a pretty face, she had known way before she had the privilege of __seeing__  his mind in action, but still, she’s even surprised by how fast he adds it together.

 

“It’s General Ross, isn’t it.” He asks not a question but a statement and the brief thought of _hell to pay._

 

The name slams a memory into the front of her mind and Darcy like always is helpless to stop it, even as Steve’s eyes grow wider.

 

_She doesn’t know how long she’s been strapped down to this bed that looks like it came from a hospital, the whole room looks like a hospital in fact. It’s too white and blindingly bright with the lights on the ceiling straining the muscles of her eyes, that and the smell of chemicals make them leak continuously but no one cares about it. Not even her at this point, it’s annoying but not painful. Not like the blue liquid that past experiences have taught her to fear._

_The ‘doctor’ tries again to find a vein, but he’s damaged a lot of them over the course of months or is it years by now? She would tell him that, but through trial and excruciating error, Darcy now has to bite down onto a cloth, it’s that or bite her tongue clean off this time. Though if she was honest she thinks that they just don’t want her to spit at them again._

_“Aha!” The ‘doctor’ seems pleased to have found a working vein even as Darcy winces as he pushes it through, she braces herself for what she knows is coming next but the opening of the door halts the process and Darcy tries not to breathe a sigh of relief._

_“General Ross, I didn’t expect you here so soon. I was just about to raise the amount of substance we’ve been giving her.” Darcy shudders at that, they’ve been wanting to crack her mind wide open for a while now and she’s been trying her best to not let that happen but she feels like HYDRA is only a shove away from pushing her over the edge._

_She wants to cry at the thought, to just give in, give up, but she won’t, she can’t. She hasn’t come this far, hasn’t bled and screamed herself hoarse, gritted her teeth through their many experiments, all the while listening to their taunts about her so-called strength, she may be exhausted, bone weary, but she won’t just lay down and show her belly now. They don’t deserve her tears, and like hell would she ever make it that easy for them._

_A face leans over her with a sneer, he must be in his late fifties, with greying hair, but it’s the uniform that burns her eyes with hatred. Of course, they would have infiltrated the Government._

_He chuckles at her, and if Darcy’s hands weren’t strapped she would have slapped the smile off his face. Twice for shits and giggles. “You may think that you're showing some kind of inner strength Miss Lewis, but I can assure you, you’ll break eventually. Everyone breaks. Every. One. Bucky Barnes did and he was made of sterner stuff that you will ever be. And once you do, all those little secrets you’ve been trying to hide will be ours.”_

_Darcy likes to think all her time here has given her a sense of fearlessness, that they’ve done everything they possibly could to scare her, she’s become numb to their tactics. She’s wrong. This man seems so certain that cold terror swims through her blood and an icy hand of death squeezes her heart just as the ‘doctor’ injects the blue liquid into her veins._

_When they shuffle in a young man who steps towards her with a vacant expression as if everything inside of him had been scooped up and thrown_ away, _when he lays a hand on Darcy’s head and her mind breaks wide open without resistance, the only thing she can do is scream and scream and scream._

 

Steve stumbles back from her, the scream caught somewhere in her throat and still ringing in her ears. He stands up quickly and for one horrifying second, it seems like he might either fall over or puke his guts out.

 

Darcy is just trying to keep the damage to a minimum so she’s kinda avoiding his eyes and also kinda scooting further back, just in case he does decide to throw up, she may love him but she’s undecided if she wants to see what he had for breakfast.

 

Steve doesn’t, in fact, throw up (touch and go for a second there) he straightens up, the posture reminds her that yeah, duh, he’s a soldier of the super kind. Then he’s striding towards Natasha and grabbing the phone out of her hands. The Black Widow probably not used to people grabbing things from her looks ready to cuff Steve over the ear or stab him with at least four pointy things that are in her line of vision.

 

She does neither though when Steve grates out of clenched teeth, “Tony, General Ross is Hydra.”

 

Steve doesn’t seem like the Captain at all, he doesn’t even seem like _Steve_ there’s a darkness that surrounds him, that pulses like a living thing, hard and unforgivable.

 

He seems kind of murder-y.

 

“Either you get him in a cell by nightfall and find out what he knows,” And here he stops only to look straight at Darcy with a dark intensity she doesn’t have to be crawling in his mind to feel deep in her bones, he growls out the last sentence “Or God help me, I’m coming after him and no amount of government agents or seize fires will help him when he’s dead.”

 

Darcy wishes she could flat out say the shiver that runs down her spine is fear, but it’s really, really not. His growly voice and clipped words are hot and heaven help her she loves that he’s angry on her behalf.

 

Bucky once again looks at her with narrowed eyes, then to Steve and his tightly wound body and still thunderous expression, when he looks back at Darcy it’s like something clicks in his head and he lets out a mischievous smirk that she bets all of her non-existent bank account had the ladies falling over themselves back in the day.

 

Darcy isn’t falling over at the smirk, she’s more concentrating on the fact that the asshole knows, _He knows._

_Shit._

 

“Darcy,” he says with that infuriating smirk still attached, “Let’s take a walk, yeah?”

 

_Double shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it was okay Dolls, You can chat with me on Tumblr [OctoberWren](http://octoberwren.tumblr.com/) if you like, I always like to talk you guys. Much love!


	4. The eye of the storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy sleeps, panics and reveals more than probably wise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So at least this chapter came sooner than the last one : ) Also it's a looong one. so Yay? 
> 
> You're comments and kudos means the world to me, I feel warm and fuzzy every time I think about it! So I hope you like this chapter, I had fun writing it. Your constant support really helps me, I just want all of you to know what amazing people you are! I will always adore you all for it!
> 
> So all my love to you and Happy Reading : )
> 
> Ps. In this chapter is a line of dialog that started this whole fic. It was in my head and I knew I had to write it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Darcy was pretty sure there were moments in her life that ranked more uncomfortable than this one. There was the torture, of course, the cell that was cold enough to freeze her non-existent balls off.

 

And her Mother, dear lord her _Mother._

__

But having a silent face off with the Winter Soldier on the edge of Clint’s farm, where she could actually feel all of the eyes in the house practically searing the back of skull…well, let’s just say she was having a bit of trouble trying to get a memory that was worse than this one was turning out to be.

 

And still the silence stretched out, Bucky’s lips twitched as if trying to repress that irritating smirk that she knew he was dying to let out. Darcy wasn’t as restrained as she let out the eye roll that she had been holding in as soon as he dragged her ass outside.

 

“Just spit it out, Barnes.” There was a bit more bite to her words than she would have liked, but the stress was itching at her neck because even if she knew where this was heading, a small part of hoped the worse Bucky would think was that she had an insanely big crush on his best pal.

 

“Always knew the punk’s perfect match would be just as stubborn as he is.” The smirk finally appeared and Darcy’s hand twitched as an urge she fought down hard to just slap him and leave in a dramatic huff.

 

So much for hoping. It’s been known to breed eternal misery in her expert opinion.

 

“This is the part where I say you’re wrong and you believe me.” Darcy gritted out with her teeth clenching and her heart caught somewhere between her throat. He was only a hop, skip and away from spilling his guts to Steve and she would never let that happen.

 

Never.

 

“But I’m right,” Bucky crossed his arms and arched an eyebrow, “The way you look at his ugly mug tells me that. Though what I can’t quite put my finger on is why you flinch when he looks back at you, or why you’re barely holding your shit together when he looks away.”

 

In the past 48 hours that part of her that Steve belonged to, the part that was bigger than she had always admitted to herself, was being rubbed raw to the point where she couldn’t deny to herself how large a presence he actually had in her life. And Bucky’s words were pouring salt in that old festering wound, she was just so damn sick and tired of being in pain. For constantly denying, pulling back, shoving away every thought of him.

 

She let out a huge breath, her shoulders sagging and for once just told the fucking truth, “You’re wrong, I’m not his ‘perfect match’” The words were mocking and lined with all the derision she felt.

 

Bucky scoffed at her, disappointment moving through his eyes, and that actually offended her, ya’ know, a lot, “You’re really going to deny it then? I thought you’d be made of stronger stuff, kid.”

 

If he was trying to bait her it wasn’t working. Much.

 

“I’m not denying anything, it’s the fucking truth.”

 

“Yeah? You ain’t his Soulmate then?” That one word dropped like an unexploded bomb, it was out in the open now, swirling like liquid fire across her skin, raising the hairs on her arms. The truth burnt down her throat as she looked away at Bucky’s frowning face.

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

Darcy let out a harsh breath refusing to look back at him and kept her eyes on the trees in the distance. “I don’t give a shit what you believe.”

 

She heard him take a step away from her, the leaves crunching underneath his boot, “You might not, but Steve might be awfully interested in it.”

 

Without thinking or even stopping to curse at her lack of self-preservation, Darcy whipped around and gripped Bucky’s forearm with force, stopping him cold, she may or may not have shaken him as well.

 

“Don’t you dare tell him, Barnes.’

 

“Oh, we’re finally telling the truth now?” He turned his head so he could look at her, “Why shouldn’t I tell him, the man has gone through hell and back for me and after the shit storm my life has caused, the least I can do is give him a little happiness.”

 

“That’s what you think?” Darcy asked in stunned disbelief, dropping his arm and taking a step back from him, while his words made her vibrate in a sort of dazed rage.

 

“That I can give him happiness? A couple of hours ago you were ready to lock me up but now that you know I’m his Soulmate I’m suddenly the good guy?…Well I’m not, I’m not the good guy here and if you tell him, if he knows what I am, _who_  I am. I’ll ruin him. Do you understand that Bucky? I’ll destroy your best friend.”

 

She actually felt sick to her stomach, there was sweat behind her neck and her palms were sticky with it. A clammy illness rushing through her, she could feel the tremors shaking her body.

 

Bucky’s eyebrows now scrunched down in confusion as he looked at her pale face, “Ya’ know, if I didn’t know any better I’d say those words were a threat. But in my long-held experience, the bad guys don’t normally announce themselves.”

 

A beat past with Darcy trying to regulate her breathing, because if she didn’t shut it down quick she’d be swimming in Steve's mind and that was the very last thing she needed. The former assassin though was lost in thought until he broke the silence because she sure as shit wasn’t going to this time. She had no idea what would come out of it if she did, it was a toss-up between screaming or throw up.

 

“So what’s the plan then, kid? Avoid talking to him, deny the connection he’s already starting to form with you? Don’t give me that look, the whole fucking team can sense something weird is going on between you two. He moves towards you like he’s drawn in by a string and this is just the second day.” He shook his head, then sighed towards the heavens, probably asking himself for either patience or the will to be saved by the morons he surrounds himself with.

 

He was the bloody moron.

 

“There’s only three ways this can play out. Either you tell him,” He pointed an angry finger at her which she resisted the instinct to swat away, “I tell him. Or Steve being Steve, finally notices what he’s doing around you and drags you away to give me some nieces and nephews.”

 

He looked so smugly proud of himself that Darcy forgot about her racing heart for a split second to look at him in disgust.

 

“Or I could just leave.” that was actually a sound idea, she could go with Jane, lock herself in a room and flip off the world.

 

“That’ll just lead toward option number two. I’ll tell him.” Darcy had a split moment of blinding intense anger that had the edges of her eyesight actually swim with white and she had to suck in a controlled breath to not cause the man in front of her any violent harm. It looked like he could actually see the fury bleeding into her because he took a wary step back and if it was any other second in time, Darcy may have felt a bit of pride in his reaction.

 

But it wasn’t any other point in time, it was this one, so she spits out, “What part of I’ll _ruin_ him, didn’t you understand?” while digging her fingers into her palms. Hard. In an effort to restrain herself.

 

Barnes just shrugs, all nonchalant, that, if anything else, makes her more livid. “I think you honestly believe that, but I also know you’re wrong. Trust me on this Darcy, with the blood on my hands, I thought I didn’t deserve shit, least of all Steve Rogers fighting for me. But I’m trying hard to believe that I’m wrong and with him and Natalia, it gets easier day by day.You should have that kind of peace as well.”

 

The sympathy in his voice is almost staggering and she’d buy into, she’d reach out towards the soft smile that graces his face with open arms if she could. But he doesn’t get it, not really. He doesn’t _know_ what she’s done, what the secrets in her stupid brain led too. And if he found out, he’d hate her just as much as Steve will.

 

A lot of the time Darcy just hoped there was a parallel universe and somewhere in the cosmos, there was a world where another woman who looked just like her but was a little less broken, lived. She’d still have the mark of death that marred her once clean soul but not the betrayal that went along with it, not the darkness that added to it

And that Darcy could smile softly in return to the war hero in-front of her, she could take a leap of faith and go say the words to her version of Steve and they’d live happily ever after. That Darcy would have love and acceptance from new friends and her perfect match. It would be oh-so stupidly perfect.

 

In a sad, desperate way, that thought pulled her through some of her darkest moments, helped the chaos in her mind to still and breathe in some relief. It was her happy place, her different Darcy and her perfectly different world.

 

This Darcy though, had the word _deserve_ still ringing in her ears and snagging painfully at her soul-mark, she had some kind of shitty reality and a war hero's gentle smile slipping off his face as she stepped back in complete, absolute rejection.

 

“No.” The fear climbing like vines, catching, clawing through her mind, swimming in her veins, growing like fungus at just the thought of Steve finding out, his blue eyes a flame of fury, throwing her in a cell and locking away the key. That was the only thing that came out of this reality, a walking, breathing, hateful nightmare. Her fear tips the edges of the scale and she’s drowning in it a breath later.

 

_“What the hell is he doing?”Steve grated out while Darcy had the very unpleasant sick feeling of watching herself hunch over and tighten her arms around her waist while simultaneously she could actually feel those limbs squeezing across her ribs. It was too much too fast, her brain was overloading on emotions and sensations, her stomach swooping down in a twisted move._

_Steve’s intense worry, sick fear and dark anger he didn’t want to take out on Bucky for scaring her. Then there was a thread of confusion of why exactly he was feeling this way for her but they both pushed it down the second it appeared. Because it was just a throwaway thought while her terrified shaking was a hurricane threatening to destroy and overwhelm them both._

_Darcy felt sea sick as she swayed and for a horrifying moment she knew her legs were going to collapse under the weight of this stupid fucking curse._

_“Shit.” It was a violent oath rushed out of his mouth as he watched Darcy tip backward and then he was running with punishing hard steps as he pushed his serum body to the limit_

_A pathetic whimper escaped her lips and if she was aware enough she’d hate the noise. But she couldn’t_ _think-the pain was blinding, streaking through her head like a live wire, overwhelming her consciousness._

_Her knees did buckle but she never hit the ground, Steve was right there, catching her and pulling her up into his arms before she could blink._

And then everything was a blissfully smooth silence as his hand wrapped around her shoulder, leaving goosebumps and a shudder running through her. A sob left her throat as she dropped her head on the space between his shoulder and neck, Steve held her even tighter at the sound.

 

“It’s okay, I got you.” He said soothingly while he rubbed her back in small movements while she nodded her head against him. She knew she’d kick her own ass later for indulging in this. For not putting more space between them or running as far and as fast as she could.

 

But she was too exhausted to fight the safe haven she felt in his arms, so she snuggled deeper in his hold and promised to feel embarrassed later.

 

“Darcy?!” Jane’s worried yell reached her sluggish mind, but she didn’t move, her body felt like it was one big sore muscle.

 

“She’s alright Miss Foster. But she needs rest and quiet, I’m taking her back to the room where she’s not to be disturbed.” He said firmly and then she was moving, presumably back to the house but she honestly didn’t care. Sleep sounded perfect, a coma would be better, but she’d take what she could get.

 

“Like hell I’m leaving her after that. It was your friend that almost made her collapse. If anything it should be you guys that leave her alone.” Darcy wanted to say that was debatable, if they were playing the blame game it was her screwy mind that caused it but she was too focused on the flash of panic at the fact that Steve could leave her.

 

Her hand instinctively grabbed his shirt and held as tightly as her weak hands would allow, which wasn’t much, to be honest, but it looked like Steve got the message as his gentle back rubs continued and he made quiet noises meant to calm her. He had a nice shushing voice, all low and gruff. Even if it made her feel like a panicked animal, she kinda felt like one so fair point.

 

“She’s terrified and overwhelmed. What she needs is a space where no one is going to ask her questions for a few hours or more. And that’s exactly what she’s going to get.” Steve’s voice rumbled beneath her ear lulling her into drowsiness.

 

“And right now she-” And here Darcy could feel his confusion again waking her up a bit, even as he stumbled over his words in an adorable way, “She feels safest with me.”

 

“How do you know that?” Jane asked slightly accusingly as Steve entered the room while Darcy vaguely worried about his answer but too drunk on his touch to actually care.

 

“Because I can feel it.” she was put down in a pile of pillows that were awesomely soft but before she could curl up and sleep for a century his arms left her and a distressed noise bubbled out her mouth without her permission.

 

Thoughts of _don’t go, stay, please don’t leave me again_  ran across her stressed mind as she could feel a brutal headache coming on. But it disappeared when a hand engulfed her own in a calm heat she distantly recognized.

 

“I’ll stay. I’m right here, Darcy.” His gentle voice was like a balm over all the pain, she could feel it all drifting away and when she felt fingers slowly push her hair out her face, Darcy sighed in contentment.

 

“What the fuck is going on Steve?” Her best friend asked with as much worry as her tiny body could probably handle.

 

“I think I have an idea.” But his words had a dreamlike quality to them, awe dripping in his tone, so Darcy grabbed onto them without fear as sleep dragged her under because dreamSteve actually seemed happy with her and as Darcy very well knew her reality was a horror show.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Mortification turned her cheeks red when Darcy jolted up from her sleeping beauty status, the room around her was dark and silent. She was alone. Which was probably a good thing, no one could see her try to suffocate herself with a pillow.

 

Where the hell did her self-restraint go? Not that she had much to begin with, but clinging to Steve like a barnacle was a bit much. Was this the point where she declared herself insane because it sure as shit felt like it.

 

And why the hell did she spend so much time sleeping? He body was a failure and so was her life. Obviously.

 

In a burst of annoyance, she flung herself out of bed and then immediately regretted that when gravity and a serious case of the woozies tried to drag her ass down again. But she steeled her spine and took a shaky step then another until she felt certain enough that she wasn’t going to topple over.

 

Now that she thought about it, it had been awhile since she ate something or drank water. Her throat felt like a desert and her stomach growled when the realization hit, so without thinking too hard, she went in search of the kitchen. And if not thinking conveniently added to the fact of not going down the rabbit hole that was Steve, then that was just a by-product. Nothing to worry about.

 

She huffed at herself but stopped short when she heard all the yelling. The yelling of Steve. Steve who she didn’t want to think about.

 

Actually, it was more of the furious growling type than yelling but that was neither here nor there.

 

“Over my dead body.”

 

A frustrated sigh from someone else, it was a sound that probably meant this conversation was going in circles. Darcy would turn to leave, scurry back to her hidey-hole but they were in the living room and she had to cross them to get to the kitchen.

 

She was debating the merits of staving to death when a voice that sounded suspiciously like Tony Stark reached her ears.

 

“Steve, as I pointed out many times now, he's not saying shit unless she’s there and yes by your glower I know you don’t want her there. But hear me out for the third time, we won’t know the extent of trouble we’re in without Ross speaking to us.”

 

“We’ll find another way, one that doesn’t put Darcy in the same room with that piece of shit.” The venom in his voice shocked her out of her hunger daze and had her stumbling when she realized they were talking about her.

 

She'd make a shitty assassin, a view that Bucky, with a snort, apparently agreed with, as she wobbled like a drunk.

 

It looked like the whole house was up except for the kids and Darcy squirmed when everyone’s attention zeroed in on her.

 

Steve was the first to react as he strode toward her, many a time she hated that he was so damn graceful, he with all those muscles, while she tripped walking in a straight line. About as smooth as a toddler. His jeans and soft looking sweater were neat while she was wrinkled and in need of a shower. She didn’t even have to think about how good he smelt, within a few steps he was near enough that she could be a freak an inhale it. She was and she did.

 

As if hearing her insecure thoughts his hand took a hold of her wrist, his thumb gently gliding over her pulse point. And if anyone thought that his behavior was weird as shit like she did, no one was saying anything.

 

Her eyes boggled when he leaned down and tenderly whispered for only her to hear, “What are you doing out of bed, you need more rest.”

 

She opened her mouth and a strange light came into his calm gaze but then she remembered; No, bad Darcy and clammed her mouth shut and while that might have turned awkward fast, her stomaching growling like a beast saved her. Embarrassed her, yes. Saved her, also yes.

 

“Dammit, you haven’t eaten anything since you got here, have you?” Steve’s disappointed- at- your-life-choices face was well documented in her mind and the ashamed minds of high schoolers and adults alike. It made mere mortals swim in guilt and she would have too, but weirdly it didn’t seem like that face was directed at her but crazily enough, at himself. His emotions swam with shame and it honestly confused the fuck out of her.

 

He was upset that he didn’t feed her? Okay, sure, maybe he thought being the Leader of Miscreants it was his job to make sure she didn’t waste away into a husk.

 

That didn’t explain the manhandling of her person into a seat in the kitchen while he rummaged through cupboards and put the kettle on.

 

Was she in the Twilight Zone? Or was she having a stroke? She glanced out the kitchen and looked at Jane and Thor who sat on the couch but by the blank stares she was getting, her panic was only growing.

 

Were they pod people? Should she check the closets? She was tumbling towards a full-blown freak out when without warning a hand clasped her own. The familiar serene feeling of Steve’s mind floated into her body easing her tension and making her body limp like a wet noodle.

 

Darcy’s head snapped in his direction expecting to see him looking back at her but his back was turned, his attention directed at reaching up to get a cup. It didn’t even seem like he noticed where his other hand was.

 

Like he just _reacted_ to her panic, she thought a touch hysterically. Another swipe of his thumb against her skin and peacefully emotions rained down on her.

 

Before her mouth could let out a sigh or manic giggle, Tony, awesome Tony, opened up his.

 

“Steve, as nice as it is watching you play provider, and _it is_ , believe me. We need to sort this out, preferably before the media finds out and we have a shit show headed our way.” His mouth twisted ruefully, “Again.”

 

Steve slid a cup of coffee in front of her, then a sandwich, then a brownie, then a cut up orange and some cookies for good measure. He nudged her to start eating when all she could do was stare bewilderedly at the food, while she took a bite out of the sandwich Steve rucked up his sweater so that his forearms showed. Then he crossed his arms and Darcy cheeks heated up while they were stuffed like a chipmunk. There was a smirk edging his lips that made her gasp, then choke, then gulp down the scalding hot coffee he handed to her.

 

The twilight zone, dude, she was in it.

 

“Steve.” Tony’s voice snapped out in frustration.

 

“We’ll question him,” Steve answered calmly, an opposite reaction to Tony's ire, “We’ll handle it without getting Darcy involved.”

 

Her name coming out in that deep timber caused her to shiver, so she stuffed more food into her mouth. It was that or say something she knew she was going to regret.

 

“His old school Cap, and not like you and Barnes.” Darcy’s eyes stayed on her plate but she still felt the weight at Tony’s lack of hatred when he spoke of Bucky. Did she miss something? Did they talk, come to some sort of understanding?

 

 _Wouldn’t that be convenient,_ a taunting voice slithered in her mind, _then you can believe you didn’t fuck everything up._

__

“He’s fire and brimstone, he’ll never talk unless she’s there, she won’t be alone, we’ll be there. _You_ will be there.”

 

“No.”

 

“I’ll do it.” she and Steve spoke at the same time, with the same amount of sheer determination and stubbornness.

 

He shot her a look of sheer disbelief, “What?”

 

She shrugged.

 

“You want to go into a room with Ross, the very man who tortured you, whose name sent you into a panic attack that I barely got you out of?” Still the look of disbelief and a hint of rising anger.

 

Darcy honestly believed he was being a bit dramatic with that, sure she panicked but he got her out easily, it wasn’t that difficult. Besides, it was the thought that he would be there that gave her the courage to agree. Anything to stop Ross from harming anyone else. If he had been in the same room as her when she escaped then he would have a bullet between his eyes. But he wasn’t, so this was a golden opportunity.

 

She also selfishly didn’t want him to even hint at what she meant to Steve. But she couldn’t exactly say that, so she just shrugged. Again. There was definitely anger now as Steve's face grew tense.

 

“She’s a big girl Steve, she can make her own choices.” Okay, it was more like nuclear levels of wrath now, as Steve reacted to Tony words.

 

“We need the room.” He said tightly and to her surprise, everyone listened. Even Jane and Thor. Though her best bud managed to send her a look of sympathy as she was shuffled out the door.

 

Okaaaay? What the actual fuck happened while she had been sleeping?

 

A dark thought and a horrible sense of foreboding struck her as she watched Steve move around her to the living room where he had more room to pace. She followed hesitatingly leaving as much space as she could between them.

 

It was as if time and space ceased to exist and she was right there at the center of where it all started, Darcy was stuck outside his office door her innocent gift of coffee wrapped in her hand.

 

Because she _knew,_ knew in her shaking bones, with that sort of sixth sense washing over her like a tidal wave and she could only stand there frozen and watch as Steve stopped pacing. Helplessly she watched as he turned to her, straightened his spine and opened his damn mouth

 

“Say something.”

 

Well, that wasn’t happening.

 

“Darcy,” His fist clenched at his side when she continued to keep every word locked inside. “I need you to say them. It’s not for my benefit, although God help me, I want to hear them.” He said the last words in barely a whisper, the shame wrapped around him.

 

This was really happening. This was real. And by the end of this little talk, her soul would be ripped apart. It was inevitable and it was exactly why she fought so damn hard to not say them. Because this? This was going to bleed her dry.

 

“That right there,” Steve's stern voice brought her back from the brink, “Those words? Holding them back and denying it. It’s hurting you. Not just mentally but physically. I felt it. I saw it.” And just to bring his point across he added: “You’re nose was bleeding today.”

 

Was it? She barely noticed.

 

“And what about tomorrow, when it’s too much for you’re body to handle? ”

 

_I don’t care._

__

“I do,” Steve said harshly and Darcy snapped her eyes back towards him, watching as he took a step forward.

 

“I should have stayed that day,” And she was already shaking her head at the choked whisper, backing up, pushing the memory away, pushing _him_ away.

 

He didn’t get to do this, he wasn’t allowed to break her soul open and peer inside.

 

“I should have taken that coffee, invited you inside and made sure you knew you were a priority. I should have let you say something.” The agony and regret he felt gripped her so strongly and suddenly that she tumbled back, into the wall.

 

And she hated it, hated that this connection was a never-ending cycle of pain and destruction, for her and now him as well. And if she was being honest, she also hated him a little bit because of this, for confronting her, for bearing them both to the harsh vulnerable truth.

 

“But I didn’t and I’ll never forgive my actions, I’ll hate myself enough for the both of us.” Steve was close enough to touch, close enough that she saw the resolve settle over his shoulders as he slid a hand up her arm, his fingers skimming all the way up her skin until he cradled her face in his palm.

 

She shivered and closed her eyes at the feeling, it was useless to deny how she felt now.

 

“But I can’t let this go on, not when I can feel how much it’s hurting you, so please Sweetheart, please just say it and know that those words aren’t the slightest bit true.” Her eyes still shut tight, she squeezed the lids more firmly until white dots appeared.  

 

She shook her head, because he was wrong, so very very wrong and the tiny part of her that was still in fight mode wanted to go on denying this until the day she died. She wanted to keep those words locked up inside until they were as branded as deeply into her as they were branded onto the skin of his chest.

 

It was as if he knew she would deny it because when she opened her eyes to look into the depth of his own, he only nodded, resigned, and said softly as the world closed in on them, “Why won’t you say it?”

 

Inevitable, that’s what this was. Fate. Soulmates. It was always going to end up this way. Steve Rogers, with his kind, loyal, fierce heart and Darcy Lewis, with her splintered mind, shattered heart and words that damned them both.

 

**_“Because as hard as I try, I’ll never deserve you.”_ **

 

The words floated around them, softly spoken from her defeated lips. The truth of it all settled like a stone heavy in her stomach.

 

“This doesn’t change anything,” Darcy added in the same soft tone looking down at her feet just so she didn’t have to look into his eyes. She had to say it, had to remind herself more than him, even if her Soulmark made it quite clear.

 

Gentle fingers tipped her chin up so she had no choice but to look into Steve’s warm gaze and sweet smile.

 

“You’re wrong Darcy, this changes everything.”

 

There was a sort of peace that settled over him and through her, but for entirely different reasons. Because he was right, this changed everything, there was no walking it back now, no denial to hide behind.

 

Steve knew.

 

But he didn’t know everything, that was the only reason why she was so peaceful, the only reason she allowed it to wash over her, because Steve was holding onto her in the eye of the storm.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Hope you enjoyed it! In case you were wondering the line of dialog I mentioned that started this all is when Darcy says: "This doesn't change anything" and Steve replies with, "You're wrong Darcy, this changes everything."  
> ; )


	5. The Penny Drops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was inevitable really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah...I'm really sorry and I hope you guys are still reading this. Really all your love for this story means so much to me and just so you know I'm not effing around with you, I got really busy with studying and then...Well, I fell into a depression. It happens on and off and I'm doing much better, largely thanks to your guy's overwhelming support and to break myself out of my funk I wrote. I wrote a lot. So I hope you guys are happy with the word count and the result.
> 
> You mean so much to me and I can't thank you enough for all the lovely messages and kudos. You guys are the best humans ever! So all my love to you and I hope you enjoy.
> 
> As always happy reading!!!

* * *

 

 

_**2 years ago** _

__

Darcy had made a friend. It's a nice welcoming thing in this shit hole.

 

His name is Ben, he has pale blonde hair and skin that looks translucent. To be absolutely honest he looks like a corpse and never speaks or looks in her general direction, but beggars can't be choosers and she's probably not in tip-top shape herself, with all the screaming and growling she tends to do.

 

Okay so friend might be stretching the truth a bit, Darcy rants and raves at the wall in her cell, that she knows he's behind and pretends to see eyes rolling or a nodding head. She may be going crazy but that's a thought for another day.

 

Ben couldn't be more than a few years younger than her and when Darcy wants to emotionally torture herself, she thinks about how long he's been a captive. It must be a few years with that vacant expression he wears almost all the time.

 

Granted their first meeting was something less than desired, with the whole her being strapped to a table and him being forced to read her mind thing.

 

Darcy doesn't hold it against him, it's part and parcel of being Hydra lab rats. And by the sobbing she hears in the cell next to her, she knows it probably hurts him more than it hurts her. Darcy's rage more than makes up for the pain they inflict on her person.

 

"Okay Ben, let's try again shall we?" The Doctor says and it's in a new room today, not the sterile lab but a room with a single chair that Darcy had been shoved into and a mirror that looks suspiciously like one that is in every interrogation room she's seen on cop dramas.

 

She can't help but feel the new location is a very bad thing with very bad implications.

 

The clammy touch of Ben's hand on her forehead wakes up her sluggish mind and she projects a thought into his head, Darcy feels bad when he flinches away from her but it's better than the alternative.

 

The Doctors excitement shows on his beady little face and the vile and hatred grow stronger in Darcy's whole being.

 

"Well?! What did she see?" He turns towards Ben with feverish hope and Darcy has to hide the smug smile lifting the corners of her lips.

 

Ben slumps over and robotically says, "She was punching you over and over again…there was a lot of blood."

 

Darcy really can't help the snort that escapes her then, bringing the focus of the Doctors ire in her direction.

 

He snarls, making that beady face of his more rat-like and with a quick move, he backhands her with force. The blood in her mouth is more annoying than the throbbing pain on her cheek and to show her displeasure she spits it out on his shiny black shoes.

 

He looks at her in disgust but Darcy is far beyond giving a shit.

 

"We've been going through this for a year Miss Lewis," Her hackles rise at the polite way they call her name like she had a choice in this, "And we know you can see Steve Rogers, so why do you stubbornly refuse to corporate?"

 

Darcy can only stare at him with an are-you-fucking-shitting-me look on her face, she adds to it with an, "Are you stupid?" because _seriously?_

 

There's a knock from the two-way mirror and the anger on the Doctors face slowly morphs into a pleased look, which can only mean the shit has hit the fan for her.

 

"That's it for today Ben, Darcy has some extra work to do." He leads the kid out the door and for a fleeting second, she could swear he looks scared for her. Well, that makes the both of them.

 

There's a minute of silence that Darcy uses trying not to freak the fuck out when she hears a squeaking sound followed by a man dragging in a T.V.

 

"Ross." She hopes the name comes out with all the hatred she feels at seeing him.

 

"Miss Lewis," he nods to her with a polite smile, "We're going to do something different today." With a click, the tv comes on showing her a sight that catches the breath in her throat.

 

Steve, in all his 40's black and white glory, talking to his men as explosions surround him.

 

"What is this?" Darcy asks with a healthy dose of wariness but not removing her sight from Steve, not be a cliche but Darcy really feels like he's the epitome of a tall drink of water in a wasteland. A sure sign of hope, she desperately wants to reach out and touch the screen so badly that her fists clench.

 

"You're a smart woman, I'm sure you can figure it out." With his words the TV stars rapid-fire visuals, blood, gore, hydra symbols, Steve looking angry and demonic.

 

Darcy bursts out laughing, there's nothing else to do, "Really, brainwashing me into hating him? You honestly think that'll work? Wow, you guys really are desperate." That only gets her an unconcerned shrug that makes her jaw lock.

"Maybe, we've only gotten one vision out of you, Miss Lewis and your usefulness is running out. But I know that doesn't worry you. You seem to lack any self-preservation where Steve Rogers is concerned."

 

Well, the dick isn't wrong, all their poking and prodding has only made her more determined not to reveal the Soulmate thing and any visions that somehow came out of their experiments.  

 

"I'm hopeful that this will be your trigger, but if it's not, we'll keep digging and digging, filling you with more pain until we get what we want." Ross walks toward her and Darcy shrinks back into the chair, but he doesn't hurt her, he just calmly puts a set of headphones over her ears.

 

He pats her head and if Darcy had any more blood in her suddenly dry mouth she'd spit it in his face. "Enjoy your entertainment, I'll see you soon." His voice is muffled but she can still hear it and the door that closes behind him.

 

The room is suddenly pitched into a darkness so deep and cold that a shiver runs down her spine.

 

It's nothing compared to the goosebumps that raise on her skin as the tv comes back to life and hatred is screaming into her ears.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Darcy gets thrown into her cell days later or is it weeks? Months maybe.

 

Her knees hit the concrete hard, but she doesn't care, the scrapes on her skin are tiny things, what's more important is the corner of the room, she's shaking. When did that happen? It doesn't matter. The corner of the room is her destination, if she can get there, she can hold onto her shivering bones, can wrap her arms around her head to try and force her thoughts that are unraveling like ribbon back into her mind.

 

If she can just get there she won't be so afraid.

 

Because nothing makes sense, how can Steve be so cruel, she thought she knew him, she thought she _loved_ him.

 

But nothing makes sense anymore, _nothing_ and she's so, so scared.

 

_She's in a jet with people that look vaguely familiar, but what happened to her corner? She feels hopeless and defeated but is that right? Is that her? Or…_

_What-why-where? Darcy doesn't understand and she just wants this to stop._

_Just stop!_

_But then it's his voice,_ always _his, why does it always, always have to be_ him?!

_"Ultron thinks we're monsters, that we're what's wrong with the world," Yes, yes a monster depriving the world of light and hope, that's it, that's exactly it! "This isn't just about beating him, it's about whether he's right."_

_He's right, whoever he is, Steve's no better than everyone who has ever lied and hurt her. He's a liar and she'll help in any way to bring him down._

_But he sounded so unsure, so lost and hurt._

_So? He's a liar._

_You can't fake emotion, Darcy._

 

If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be in this mess!

 

That's not true and you know it, you love him, Darcy, you know him inside and out.

 

No!

 

Darcy!

 

No!

 

"Darcy, can you hear me, you know him and you love him." By the time the voice reaches her ears, Darcy is aware enough to stop the rocking she had been doing in the corner of the room and to lift the hands from her ears.

 

"Darcy?" Two knocks come from the wall beside her. "You love him, you know him. Come on Darcy, don't leave me alone in this nut house."

 

A startled laugh escapes her, and suddenly she knows where she is and more importantly _who_ she is.

 

Darcy Lewis, Soulmate to Steve Rogers, a good man with a pure heart.

 

"I know him," she tests the words out in a whisper that feels oh so right, "I love him." Yep, she does and come high or hell water, no amount of tv watching will change that. Thanks to her cell buddy.

 

She knocks weakly against the wall, "Thanks for bringing me back from my spiral."

 

A beat passes and then she hears a relieved sigh that she feels down to her very core.

 

"Yeah well, I kinda missed your other deranged yelling that didn't sound so crazy." That gets a genuine laugh out of her, something that she never thought was going to happen in this place.

 

"Told ya Ben, we're going to be best of friends." The only reply she gets is a snort and this time she can clearly feel his eye roll.

 

* * *

 

 

_**Present** _

 

Saying that the trip to the prison was an awkward affair is a huge understatement.

 

Darcy thinks Steve is trying to give her space, as in he'll sit right next to her on the Quinjet, so close their legs almost touch. But not speak or touch her in any way and overall not look like he's paying attention to her.

 

She thinks he may even be trying to blend in with his surroundings. If he had to ask her (which he won't on account of the no talking rule) she would have told him, that trying to become one with the wall was a gigantic miscalculation for him. If he was anyone but Steve, maybe, but just the sight of him is a distraction and that's without the whole Soulmate thing. His leather jacket, for instance, clings to his body and makes Darcy want to melt and straddle him simultaneously.

 

And he'd know that if he wasn't too busy pretending to be wallpaper, or whatever material the jet is made of, steel? Whatever, not the point.

 

Point is, it's _weird._

 

And okay, so what that she made like the road runner after spending blissful seconds in his arms. And maybe, _maybe_ this morning she avoided eye contact and generally pretended last night was a shared delusion. Jane hadn't even asked her about it, so the theory had some merits. Except for her best buds knowing glances that is.

 

And holy hell the amount of fuss Steve threw when going to see Ross was brought up again.

 

He lost that fight.

 

And okay so it didn't matter how he acted around her, Darcy knew it didn't change a damn thing.

 

_This changes everything._

 

Well, apparently not. Despite the hugging and caressing and the ‘please say something, Darcy' it didn't matter.

 

Except it really, really did and she hated herself for hoping things would change, or that he'd give her some sign that Ross wouldn't make him despise her. No matter what he said.

 

She should have said something, she still wanted to say something, to tell him the truth but every time her mouth opened or she thought, now, tell him now! She sees his face turn to disgust and changes her mind. And that's why she was so hell-bent on ignoring him.

 

It would get out soon enough without her help, the least the universe could give her was some spare moments with him before her world collapsed in on itself.    

 

Even if he was being weird.

 

"Alright ladies and gents, we're here."

 

Fuck you, Universe.

 

The stupid seatbelt was being stubborn and her jerky movements were apparently not helping. Steve's hand clasped her own and she breathed in a sigh of calmn.

 

"You don't have to do this." His gruff voice makes her quirk her lips in amusement, he'd been saying the same thing over and over again. He must have felt the emotion because he only shakes his head and reluctantly laughs as he unclips the belt, offering her a hand.

 

Darcy hesitates, but then calls herself a coward and grips his hand firmly and lets him pull her up. The amount of comfort and affection she feels swims in her head and warms her veins like a shot of whiskey.

 

She wasn't entirely unsure it didn't make her drunk because the next thing she knew she's tripping over air and smooshing her face into his chest. Like an idiot.

 

She risks a glance at him in mortification but the apology she had wanted to spew out died a sudden death as she looks into his eyes. The warmth in them stole something from her, but whatever it was, Steve could take it, he could take everything from her if just kept looking at her like that forever. That no matter what happened next, he'd look at her like she was special and not another damaged thing that happened in his life.

 

"You okay there Doll?" He asks in that gruff sounding voice that never fails to send shivers down her spine. And calling her Doll? Yeah, she could get used to that.

 

She nods her head kinda speechless at Steve's… everything.

 

He quirks an eyebrow (seriously, how can an eyebrow be sexy?) "Not going quite on me again are ya'?"

 

This time Darcy huffs in amusement but shakes her head no, it looked like he was going to say something more but a cough behind her startled her out of his deep gaze. The yelp she made was a little embarrassing but Steve didn't remove his grip on her, only moved it to her waist, which was more distracting than anything else. And she could only gape at the limb.

 

"Sorry to interrupt the epic romance of the decade but I thought we should probably get to the madman already. And Barnes looked like he was alright with just waiting you both out." Tony strode past them with a smug look, while Bucky just chuckled at Darcy's bewildered look.

 

They left the Quinjet and walked past guards who watched warily as they passed them all the while Steve's hand is attached to her side. It was saying a lot that Darcy let him, she needed his strength and honestly, it was bliss feeling his touch.

 

"Stark, what the hell?" A short, blonde man who screamed government lackey, rounded the corner and made Tony sigh deeply.

 

"Agent. I did call to tell you about this. It was very uncharacteristic of me, so instead of the yelling, a nice thank you would do more good for my ego."

 

"You informed me of your arrival and a Miss Lewis, Captain Rogers, and Sargent Barnes, however, are still wanted criminals." The man's gaze went to Bucky who tensed and then over to Steve who seemed not the slightest bit fazed. Darcy, on the other hand, gripped the fabric of his shirt tightly, daring the man to take him from her. She's burnt one prison down she has no problems with burning another.

 

A touch underneath her shirt and Steve's fingers are gently soothing her rising rage.

 

_Don't worry Doll, it'll take a hell lot more than the government to drag me away from you now._

Darcy's eyes snap to his face in surprise but he showed no change in expression, just a stubborn set to his jaw that was oh so familiar.

 

Okaaay, so they could do that now? Nothing to freak out about, not a thing, no sir.

 

If it wasn't for his gentle touch keeping her grounded, Darcy would probably be running and screaming in the opposite direction.

 

"Yeah well, the Ross thing kinda puts a grenade to the accords and something tells me you'll have a fight on your hands if you want to remove Steve from the air around Darcy." The two men both look at her and Steve and she resists the urge to stiffen her spine and show her teeth in a bloodthirsty smile.

 

"I wouldn't test his theory if I were you, son," Steve said it without even a hint of malice but the _I dare you to try_ was highly implied beneath his calmly spoken words.

 

Had she mentioned how hot he was in the last half-hour because man oh man he was devastatingly sexy. In all the ways.

 

The rough clearing of his throat was a clear sign that he probably felt her lusting after him, which oops. A squeeze at her hip almost makes her turn into liquid form.

 

Bad Darcy, this situation is serious, no turning into goop.

 

"Alright, wasn't like the accords weren't bullshit from the start anyway and I don't feel like getting my face punched in today." Darcy looked at the Agent in surprise, maybe she underestimated the man.

 

"Follow me." He led them down towards an elevator and Darcy immediately went to the corner practically dragging Steve along with her.

 

Old habits die really really hard, but with his broad shoulders blocking out her sight, Darcy released some of the tension that was building. She wanted to live in this moment, keep it for herself in a safe part of her mind. With Steve's warmth, his kindness, even his stubbornness in not leaving her.

 

Darcy needed to tuck this away because as soon as they reached their destination it was all going to be blown to shit.

 

Optimism thy name ain't Darcy.

 

She just wanted to scream, rage, yell that she _didn't want to do this_ , she didn't want to see Ross again, she never wanted to lose Steve now that she finally had a taste at having him in her life.

 

But it wasn't up to her, it never really was. It was all up to the man that was looking at her in concern, in a way that maybe he was just as scared as she was.

 

Darcy wished she was inherently selfish because if this only affected her, she'd run and run and run until her legs gave out.

 

But it wasn't, so she couldn't.

 

She heard the elevator doors open and it broke her eyes away from Steve towards a long hallway that had barely any light.

 

Fitting.

 

"It'll be okay." Steve tugged her hand to get her paralyzed body to move forward. She wasn't sure if he was talking to her or himself. It helped her get her shit together anyway.

 

They stopped at two doors next to each other, "We'll be able to see her through this room," The Agent gestured to the left, "Tony and Sargent Barnes will come with me and I'm guessing that Captain Rogers will go with Miss Lewis."

 

"Yes," Steve said but gave a worried glance towards Bucky.

 

"Don't sweat it, Cap," Tony said giving a pat on a surprised looking Bucky's shoulder, "They'll have to go through me to get to him."

 

A flick of his wrist and everyone could see the Tech on Tony's wrist that was probably housing the Ironman suit.

 

A grateful smile came over Steve's face as he nodded. "Thanks, Tony."

 

"Don't mention it, no seriously. Don't." And with that he opened the door and lead the Agent inside with him, Bucky hesitated at the doorway.

 

"Look after her, punk."

 

"She's not leaving my sight."

 

"She has a name, morons." Darcy interrupted them with a put-upon sigh.

 

Bucky looked at her and where she expected a smirk or a slight amusement, instead was a deep-rooted seriousness that blew her bravado away.

 

"Darcy, look after yourself, you hear?"

 

She could only nod a bit shakily, "Yeah."

 

Then with a shut of a door, it was only her and Steve left alone in the cold hallway.

 

"Come on Doll, let's get this over with and when we get back maybe I can take you on a real date." The smile he gave her didn't reach his deep blue eyes.

 

And maybe it was her emotions bleeding in to his own or he could sense the oncoming storm all on his own, the feeling of dread in the air, she just really wanted to snatch that bit of hope, the idea of a date with Steve and run with it, leave this place and that asshole in the room.

 

Steve's hand grasped the door handle but Darcy clasped her own over his before he could open it.

 

"Wait, just wait." Her voice sounded broken and rushed even to her own ears.

 

"What is it, Sweetheart?" The pet names were going to kill her.

 

He was such a good man. Who the hell else would be willing to stick to her side when he barely even knew her. Just that she was his Soulmate. That was all, in the grand scheme of things and still, he seemed determined to fight the devil himself if it meant she was okay.

 

"I want you to know that you saved me," the words rushed out of her mouth without even a little bit of thought, "for three years no matter what those bastards did to me, I just had to think of you and it made it worth it. It made me stronger. You were my hope at the end of the shitty tunnel."

 

She knew her eyes were teary but she didn't care, she needed him to see it, to see _her_.

 

"Darcy-" She cut off his concerned whisper.

 

"I need you to believe me, Steve, I need you to know." She held his hand in both of her own and willed him to feel everything she was saying and everything she wasn't.  

 

That she was sorry, so fucking sorry about everything, every choice she had ever made that lead him to this.

 

"Hey, hey Darcy. It's okay," He dragged her into his arms and held her tighter when she chocked out a sob.

 

"No matter what, I promise everything will be alright. I believe you, Doll. It's going to be fine, yeah?"

 

She nodded her head against his chest, holding him tighter, just a second longer, surely he wouldn't hate her for it after he knew.

 

He'd have plenty else to hate her for.

 

Alright Darcy, time to put your big girl pants on, you knew that this was always going to happen. This was the outcome. You knew that.

 

She pushed herself away from Steve and could physically feel the break in her soul, a tare that was long and bloody. Darcy ignored the pain, even the wince that Steve made. She put back up every stone that had crumbled in his presence, stronger than before and without any more hesitation, opened the door.  

 

Ross looked older, was her first thought, her second was he was still a bastard.

 

He was radiating triumph even with his hands chained to a desk as Darcy came into the room, that look quickly faded when he noticed Steve as he shut the door behind them and practically glued himself to her side.

 

"Captain Rogers, I thought my instructions were very clear," Ross's words had frustration laced around the edges as he spoke to Steve, "I wanted Miss Lewis alone."

 

Steve just shrugged at the other man and pulled one of the chairs away from the table for Darcy to sit in. She did and watched as he sat in the one next to her own, dragging it so close that their legs touched.

 

It was a small comfort but one she appreciated all the same.

 

"That wasn't ever going to happen Ross. I'm here with her or we leave." Steve put his hands on the table casually but the fire was back in his eyes and if Darcy was a betting woman, she would have put money on one wrong move and those hands would be wringing Ross's neck.

 

With the familiar kind of resentment Darcy was used to, Ross clenched his fist, causing the handcuffs to clink together, then he slammed those hands down on the table and Darcy immediately cringed back, trying hard to block out memories that wanted to take her over.

 

"It's General." He snapped but Steve shrugged again and without a beat put a hand to her thigh, it was enough to shake her thoughts back into her head.

 

"Not anymore your not." Steve answered with nonchalance.

 

"So why don't you cut the bullshit Ross," Darcy stressed his name just to see the tick of annoyance at the skin of his eye, "What do you want?"

 

The question changed his attitude from pissed to smug, Darcy didn't like it or him.

 

"Does this room look recognizable to you Miss Lewis?" The smarmy little shit said while looking around him in fake interest.

 

She was trying hard not to notice, thanks asshole.

 

A gentle squeeze from Steve's hand brought down her boiling rage to a simmer, she wasn't a saint. Thoughts of shaking him until his eyes popped out was helping though.

 

"What do you mean?" Darcy arched an eyebrow and then let her smirk stretch her lips, "Oh right, the room where you tried and failed to make me hate Steve. Don't be cute Ross, you were never good at playing coy."

 

She ignored the burning gaze of Steve and focused instead on the bark of laughter that came from Ross.

 

"Yes, well, I was right about the both of you wasn't I?" He glanced at them, zeroing in on how close they were sitting, barely any room separating their bodies. "I told you he'd find you one way or another Miss Lewis. Soulmates, they are an inevitability."

 

Darcy had always been protective of Steve, it was a well-documented fact, one that was used against her. Repeatedly. But in that second she wanted to force him out of the room, to cover him from the scrutinizing look that Ross was giving him.

 

She knew that look, it came before pain, before she was sliced open and dug through and even if she had to murder him herself, Ross would never lay a hand on him. Never.

 

"I heard about the mess you made in my facility, rather rude of you, after all we had accomplished together and we were so close to the final plan and you just had to go and throw a tantrum. All those dead men you killed." He clicked his tongue at her in mockery and Darcy ground her teeth together, bile rising to her throat.

 

"That's enough." Steve's clipped voice echoed around the room, and she put a hand over the one still attached to her thigh. His voiced calmed considerably at her touch. But the unforgiving bite was still in his tone, "We didn't come here for you to gloat and I refuse to let you hurt Darcy any more than you already have. You're a rabid animal, Ross and if it wasn't for the fact that you're in prison, I would put you down like one." Growly murder Steve was back and she could feel his unrelenting rage all around her.

 

But Ross didn't seem to acknowledge the very real danger he was in, because he still hadn't removed his stare from her own.

 

"Does he know Miss Lewis?" and just like that, the penny dropped, he didn't have to touch Steve to hurt him.

 

"We're done here, you don't have anything we need to hear." Steve's hand tugged on her own, but she couldn't move, the only thing she could do was follow the rabbit hole, down, down, down.

 

"Of course I have things you need to hear Captain, many things in fact. First and foremost is about the danger the world is in from outside forces. But my knowledge comes at a cost and Miss Lewis knows very well what that price is." The triumphant gleam was back in eyes and why shouldn't he be proud? He just won the whole fucking game they'd started when they met.

 

"Darcy?" There was anxiousness in Steve's tone, probably because she was crushing his hand. And if he wasn't super then she might have broken a bone.

 

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to see a way out, some last move that she could play.

 

But there was nothing, nothing but the truth, so she thought back to that elevator ride, the Quinjet, the hug, him holding her while she fell asleep. Tried like hell not to think about him walking away, tried to find her safe place.

 

But it was Steve, he was her safe place. He was home and Darcy knew, she _knew_ this was always going to happen. And she hated herself more than anything, for every choice, every wrong move. She hated past Darcy who was too stupid to open her fucking mouth and save him from this betrayal. Save him from another desperately painful situation in another long line of shitty cards fate had dealt him.

 

He could never hate her more than she hated herself. Darcy held tighter to his hand and open her eyes.

 

There was anguish written all over his face, her storm of emotion running through him and Thor help her all she ever wanted was to keep him from this.

 

"Steve, do you-" she stuttered to a stop but pushed through the suffocating feeling of her chest tightening, "Do you remember all those missions you went on, the ones-the ones that always went wrong, when Sam got shot." Her voice cracked and something inside of her was hemorrhaging blood.

 

Steve called her name almost frantically but it sounded more like a need for her to stop, stop the words, take them back. Maybe to rewind time. If only she had that kind of power instead of this curse. She'd do a lot of things differently, she'd save him from herself.

 

But she didn't and she couldn't. So…

 

"When Wanda broke her leg and Natasha got stabbed and Bucky-Bucky got triggered. I did that. Hydra knew because I knew. I saw where you were, I saw the plans you made." Darcy turned her head like the coward she was just so she didn't have to see his face, she could feel his shock and hurt well enough, she looked at the mirror and tried hard not to think about the people behind it.

 

Just one more thing, just one more and she's be done and so would Steve.

 

"The Accords, Zemo figuring out that Bucky had a secret. It was me, Steve. I hurt you and your friends."

 

She looked at him now, with her last shred of bravery and whatever was left inside of her, any sort of hope or childish belief in happy ever afters, got scrapped out raw at just the sight of him. His head hung down low like he had just taken a beating, his breath rapid and uneven, trying to swallow down a yawing grief that Darcy could feel in the marrow of her bones.

 

The strongest man she had ever known looked broken beyond repair and it struck her with as much force as a fatal blow after everything she had been through, all the torture and bone-crushing fear was nothing compared to this awful fucking feeling.

 

She had felt so much pain and loss and Darcy would sell her own fucking soul just for a look, a chance that everything was going to be okay, like Steve had promised.

 

But she wasn't sure if she had a soul left to give anyway.

 

"Steve," Darcy chocked, whimpered, pleaded with him, "Steve please say something. Please, God, I didn't mean it. I swear. I never, _never_ wanted this to happen. I promise. I'm sorry." she tugged his hand forward, towards her chest, her heart, desperately trying to make him _feel_ "I'm so, so sorry. You have to believe me, Steve. Please tell me you believe me, okay?"

 

And she was _wrong_ , so unbelievably fucking wrong it was almost moronic, she could take the pain, she had for years but this?

 

Through her tear-drenched eyes and hiccuping sobs, she could only watch in a daze as Steve's hand moved from her chest slowly, then away from her touch completely.

 

And a slow creeping numbness went with him, that crept into her pores and settled in deep like a cold death. Where there was nothing inside of her, no anger, no fear, no joy, just the absolute terrifying absence of _nothing._   

 

And if she could feel, she might consider it funny, in an ironic sort of way, that Steve was the only person in the universe that could both inflict this on her and save her from it.

 

But she couldn't, so she didn't.

 

"I told you, Miss Lewis, I always knew you had a trigger and it was always him." The voice came from underneath water, muffled and disjointed.

 

She figured she should be pissed or something, maybe annoyed? But she could only stare at Steve's bowed head and stiffening spine.

 

And after everything, all the madness and anguish of her mind, the numbing quite was a welcome relief and so really, who could blame her for sinking into it like a friend?

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be mad! Things will turn around I promise!!! Hope you like it though,,Much love for reading ; )


	6. It faded in a blink of an eye.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a blink of an eye, it's all gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, I'm super sorry for the looooong ass wait. I'd like to tell you my story for why but it's super depressing. So this helped a lot. I hope you are still reading this because I still want to write it. But seriously all your comments have kept me going. 
> 
> Much love darlings.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!

 Disjointed that was the word Darcy was looking for. Nothing seemed real, as if she was watching Steve’s head snap up from underwater.

She felt like a puppet without strings. She was here sitting in this chair, she could mildly feel the chilling steel at her back, she could see Steve’s face turn dark with emotion, she even saw it coming. Logically, she knew what would follow a look that violent. His chair slammed against the mirror with such ferocity it cracked the supposedly bullet proof glass. Darcy didn’t even flinch, she just looked at the unfolding scene with a dead shark gaze.

“I was wrong,” The Captain or no this really wasn’t the Cap, it wasn’t even Steve, that kind of anger belonged on someone else, someone like Darcy. Or she supposes who she used to be, Darcy isn’t really sure of anyone or anything right now.

Except Ross, he genuinely looked as though he might piss his pants.

With one brutally strong movement, Steve’s hand was around Ross’ throat and with a pull that looked way to easy, his handcuffs broke and Darcy heard the crack his skull made as Steve slammed his head against the wall.

The hand at his throat was probably the reason his face was that purple hue.

“You need to be put down like a dog for what you did to her.” The snarled voice of her Soulmate should make Darcy feel…something. She doesn’t. She just looks on in detachment even when Bucky slams his way through the door, followed by Tony who just strolls in.

“Steve, as much as I’d like to see him chocked out by your hand, think about this.” Bucky looked to be about a second away from pulling his best pal away from the crushing grip he has on Ross.

She wished she could care, say something, anything, kill Ross or not, but Darcy feels empty. Something scraped all she was out of her, all that was left was this husk, and to be honest if she wasn’t in this state, it might scare the shit out of her.

 “The man’s got a point Cap.” Tony say’s while staring at Darcy with too knowing eyes. “You just got away from being a fugitive, how do you think the man in a tight suit is going to feel about Murder, plus your girl probably needs you right about now.”

Those words seem to break Steve’s determination to squeeze the life out of Ross as he turns to look at Darcy. Their eyes make contact, blue crashes into blue and the connection Darcy has come to love, the swirling warmth in her veins, the sensation of feeling like she belongs.

It’s gone.

Darcy doesn’t think she belongs anywhere at this point; she’s floating above this moment.

“Darcy?” Steve whispers and if she could break out of this prison her mind has locked her in, she would at the soft way he says her name. Almost as if he’s afraid.

Steve doesn’t do… scared. He does determination and grit but never fear.

“Doll, can you look at me?” Funny she thought she already was.

There’s a cackling sound, Ross has a hand over his throat and he’s laughing, great, big, wheezing sounds.

“If only I knew that just meeting her would break you, I would have done that years ago. Instead of wasting my time trying to turn her against you, I’d have fared better getting her to love you.”

“You think this is funny?” Stark says with hands in his pockets.

“Well it sure isn’t sad.” Bucky moves almost as quickly as Steve and slams Ross’s head against the mental table, the man crumples like tissue paper to the floor.

“Darcy, what’s going on? I can’t feel you.” The moment Steve cradles her jaw, softly, slowly, Darcy takes in a shuddering breath, like she’s taking in oxygen for the very first time.

“Steve?” Her voice comes out shaky, but she can feel him, she can _feel_ and the rush of emotions that are swimming in her soul is scarily good.

“Baby.” And then Steve’s kissing her. In this dark cell with two people watching them, but Darcy couldn’t care less.

It’s a slow, devastating kiss, that tastes like reverence, it’s steady, sure and filled with something she’s too scared to name.

And she’s making this her home, with Steve holding her tightly, his lips on her own, if there was any doubt that he was her Soulmate, this would have sealed the deal.

“You scared me.” He says when the kiss finally breaks, Steve pushes some fly away hair out of her face and tucks them behind her ear.

“I scared me too.”

“What happened?”

“She thought you didn’t care about her anymore, that kinda thing breaks a soul connection. Breaks a person, really.” Tony is the one that speaks shocking all but Darcy. She saw the knowing look in his eyes when he stared at her.

 “You’re all going to die and it’s going to bring me so much joy knowing you’ll lose her Captain.” Ross says as he lays on the ground, his voice bouncing eerily  around the room.

“I thought you knocked him out?” Steve pushes Darcy behind him acting like a huge meat shield. She would protest but the next words out of the slime balls mouth freezes her and everyone in the room.

“He courts death and he’ll stop at nothing to get her. Chaos will reign and you’ll all die; do you hear me Darcy? You’re going to lose this war.” Before anyone can stop him Ross breaks a cyanide tablet in his mouth.

He’s dead in only a matter of seconds and Darcy doesn’t feel the least bit sorry. She only wishes she had done it herself.

 

* * *

 

The plane ride is just as quite as before; Darcy suspects it has to do with Ross’s haunting last words. With nothing to go on, they’re heading back to the farm.

Steve’s worried, she can feel it and it’s making her anxious, especially since he’s built a metaphorical wall between them. He’s upfront with Tony and he hasn’t looked at her not even once. She’s pretty sure he can sense the daggers she’s shooting at him with her eyes, by the way his shoulders tense.

“Your boy’s just doing what he does best.” Bucky isn’t sleeping next to her like she thought, the sneaky assassin.  “Trying to fit the pieces together without anyone getting hurt. And you’re at the top of his list.”

“Yeah?” Darcy side-eyes him, “he has a funny way of showing it.”

Bucky shrugs back in turn, then pretends to sleep again.

Darcy scoffs and goes back to staring a hole into the good Captains back, his shoulders tense and she stifles a mirthful smirk.

The messed up thing is she _gets it_.

He’s trying to save himself the heartache and Darcy would be doing the same thing as well but she knows how this Soulmates thing works, she knows how he works and it’s pointless running from it all.

And also he so kissed her, no take backs dammit.

The Quinjet lands and before she can blink Steve’s across and bounding down the runway.

He’s actually running away from her. Well fuck that noise.

“Steve! I swear on Thor if you don’t turn around right now and talk to me like an adult, I’ll punch your damn stubborn head. And then we’ll both be in pain.” Her threat kinda works, it slows him down at least.

She can feel a thread of amusement in a swirling vortex of anguish, that’s almost crippling.

“I have to notify the team, we need a plan.” Bucky walks past her and raises his eyebrows in an 'I told you so' way. Darcy smacks his arms without looking at his reaction, she jogs up to Steve and faces him. Then she pokes his chest. Hard.

“You don’t get to kiss me like I matter and then just blank me like I don’t, that’s not fair.”

She can see the visible frustration warring with him, “You do matter,” He says grim faced, “That’s why I need to do this Darcy, if anything happened to you-” He cuts himself off and hardens his jaw.

“I’m sorry, we’ll talk later.”

Somehow she doubts that, but she doesn’t call him out, she just watches as he walks away. And why does this feel like Deja vu? Why does she always feel like she’ll forever be waiting in that corridor for him? That she doesn’t really belong, no matter what fate says.

 

* * *

 

The Avengers are back in top form. They’re researching, calling up old contacts, anything to really catch a break.

Darcy is being ignored.

Not technically, everyone has a damn good reason, the fate of the world and all that. But when she tries to help, she gets calmly told that she’s had a lot of trauma these past few days and needs rest. Even Jane shooed her out her makeshift lab.

She has a pretty good idea who made those orders.

And yeah rest seemed like a good idea on the first day, then the nightmares came and now she’s just really bored. Her brain is itching for something to do.

Or someone to fight.

“So is now a good time?”

Oh good, Sam.

He’s been pushing her to talk to Steve since the incident, but Darcy has been stubbornly insisting, that if he wanted to talk her he knew where she was.

“No.”

“Come on Darcy, He’s been pushing the team harder than usual and honestly even Bucky is getting annoyed. Which is saying something.”

Not really, and her faces says it all.

“If Steve wants-”

“To talk he’ll find me.”

“That’s a terrible impression of my voice Sam.”

“Doesn’t matter, the point is,” he pauses to make sure Darcy is listening and probably for dramatic tension which she rolls her eyes at.” Point is, you’re both incredibly stubborn. The universe sure as shit knew what it was doing putting you two together. So someone has to go talk to the other.”

Well it wasn’t going to be her, and by her face Sam knew that, which is why he threw her over his shoulder.

Giving her the fright of her life.

Which normally led to-

_“Great another dead end, not like we need a break or anyth-Dammit Sam put her down!” There went his Captains voice and it went through the whole house in surround sound causing Sam to halt in his steps. If he were a cartoon there totally be smoke coming from he’s shoes._

“Ooooh you’re in trouble now, he’s running this way.”

“That was the plan.” He rubs her hair, dodging the smack she throws his way, just as Steve comes barreling through the corridor.

Steve stops just near her, “I’m sorry.” He says in one breath.

“For Sam or for avoiding me?”

“For Sam.” Ouch that was worse than a gunshot wound and Darcy should know. “So we're doing this then?”

“Darcy-”He seems in pain, he is and not for the first time she curses what she feels, she just never thought he’d be the one making her regret their connection.

“No, I’m tired Steve. I’m so fucking exhausted of this, it’s not even funny. You kissed me, _you_ did that. Didn’t it mean anything to you?”

Now he just looks like she put a blow torch to his chest and as much as she tries hard not to feel the pressure of his pain, it punches her insides with force.

“Darcy, it meant everything to me, Sweetheart. Of course it did. How could you think otherwise?”

“From your single bloody-minded actions Steve.” She yells frustrated at him and herself, with this very conversation. “I get it, don’t think I don’t, your persistent, adamant, hard-headed and every other word for stubborn I can think of. And I l-” She almost let it slip, almost. “like those qualities of yours, except when your determined to use it against me, against us, when I finally thought we were headed in the right direction.”

“Darcy,” He whispers so soft and warm as he cradles her face and she’s entrapped in his warm gaze and she’s helpless to do anything but nuzzle her cheek against his palm.

“I need to do this, to keep you safe, I can’t concentrate on what’s out there when I have you here.” He thumps his chest as if she’s crawled into his being. And Darcy wretches herself away.

“Really Steve, really. The good ol’ hero speech, to save the girl you have to lose her? I thought you were better than that.” There’s betrayal running deep and true through her and she can’t figure out who it’s coming from. Maybe it’s both of them. Maybe their ripping apart their future before their eyes and she can’t stop it because it needs to be said. If they have any hope, which maybe they don’t, maybe this is it.

“Darcy when this is all over, we’ll find a place for just the two of us, we’ll sit by a lake, watch the starts and every other thing I can do to make you happy. But for that to happen, you need to be alive.”

He grips her arms like he’s trying not to let her go, never letting go, and it would just be her luck that his words sealed the opposite.

“Steve,” And this is going to hurt her more than him, “this is who you are, I knew that a long time ago, when there’s trouble, you’re not the man who’s going to walk away. You’re the man that’s going to lead. I want to stand next to you when that happens. I want to be by your side. To be your partner. Because I want to be selfish for once, I want to have it all, I want all of you.” And this time she cups he’s face trying as desperately as she can to make him feel her love.

“Please Steve, let me in. Stay. Stay with me, and be my soulmate and whatever comes our, way we’ll deal with it together.”

She knows his answer by the time his face crumbles, first with longing then sadness.

He kisses her forehead and Darcy hiccups a sob.

“I’m sorry Sweetheart, I’ve lost too much in my life for you to become just another casualty. I won’t lose you, I can’t. Please try to understand that it’ll destroy me.”  He searches her eyes, her sou,l but whatever he finds mustn’t be the answer he’s looking for because he sighs like another giant weight has been added to his shoulders.

She hates that it’s her.

“If you leave now, if you walk away from me, that’s it Steve, we're done. I can’t keep losing you. I won’t.”

They’re cupping each other’s faces and it's heart breaking torture that they're doing this to each other, but what else is there to do?

“Darling I’m right here, but I’d rather have you hate me and be alive, than love me and be dead.” So he knew then, the love of it all. And he was still willing to walk away. To leave her.

So be it.

“I’m going to find out who’s after us, I’ll find them, I’ll kill them, then I’ll come for you. I’ll always come back for you Darcy.” He kisses her hard, desperate, like he knows.

And Darcy clutches him back, kisses him harder, because she knows she’s going to run as fast and as far as she can, he’ll never be able to find her.

* * *

 

“Mom? I need to talk to you.”

 ,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hurt me. Kudos and comments give me life.


	7. Lost.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you're lost the only place to go is back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how about that a new chapter in just one day! Yay me. But if you don't like it boo me? 
> 
> Hella angst ahead, you've been warned.
> 
> but seriously Thank you for the overwhelming love you guys have given me!! It really really means the world to me!!
> 
> All my love Darlings!

Her old house feels just like that. Old. Used and unavoidable. It was the perfect white picket fence but like most of those houses they held secrets.

Secrets Darcy didn’t even know apparently.

His name was Jonah.

And he was her mother’s true Soulmate.

“Vivian, taste this please, it seems like it needs more salt.” Darcy watched in a kind of morbid trance as Jonah lifted the spoon to her mother’s mouth. She ate it with a smile and a giggle.

A fucking giggle. Her mom, no stains, ironed sheets, no smudge lipstick, she actually giggled.

Darcy didn’t know whether to laugh or cry desperately.

Maybe both. And vomit.

Vivian cuts her a looks and all of a sudden Darcy feels naked. She’s sure she had a dream like this once.

“Darcy I need you sweetheart.” She hates the pet name with a vehemence that leaves her shaking but she follows her mother’s orders all the same. 

Outside the sun is shining brightly and despite the warm weather Darcy shivers.

Vivian, squints and tucks her blonde hair behind her ear, despite the heat she still looks as effortless as ever, like a real debutante and Darcy feels frumpy in her jeans and t-shirt.

She doesn’t know why she’s here, maybe after everything she’s still a little girl, lost, searching for any place that feels remotely like home. This was the closest thing she ever had, or so the stories told her.

“I’ve left this long enough,” Vivian starts, and Darcy breaks away for looking at the birds that look more free than she’ll ever be.

“You’re running, Darcy. I’d expect a lot from you but never the fact that you’d be a coward.”

“Wow, Vivian. You got all that from me coming here?” Darcy tries so hard not to let the edge creep into her voice but she feels like she fails as her mother’s face squints in disbelief.

“Yes, Darcy,” She cuts in sharply, “I got that from you coming here, when the last time I saw you, you said you’d never come back to this town. Now what is it? Do you need money, did you hear from someone that Jonah was rich because let me tell you something…”

Her mother goes on and on about Jonah and how he won’t pay a cent to Darcy’s troubles and instead of riling Darcy up it leaves her confused and hurt.

Because her mother is protecting him, something that she’s never witnessed her do in her life. For anything or anyone.

“So he’s your soulmate then?” Darcy interrupts her rambling mid-sentence; Vivian looks shocked at the question, as if Darcy couldn’t have figured it out herself.

“Of course.”

Of course. No hesitation, no sorrow or indecision just a clear cut answer.

“How did you know?” Her mother looks actually confused, “I mean how did you know he was your soulmate besides the words.”

Because this needs answering, she knows Steve’s her Soulmate but what did that actually mean? What did it matter when the person you wanted to be with didn’t want to fight for the chance to be with you? What did it matter having a Soulmate when the meaning of it all escaped her?

“What are you talking about Darcy? Jonah said my words, it’s meant to be. I know you had hoped your father-”

“This isn’t about dad,” She stops Vivian because that’s a can of worms she doesn’t want to open. “This is about having a soulmate and what the hell that means, “

“You were always like this,” Her mother shakes her head at Darcy, “Wanting to know why about everything. Why your Soulmate would ever say those words, why your father and I weren’t with our Soulmates.  Can’t you just accept the universe knows what it’s doing?”

And that’s about as much as she can take, honestly her mother was always the person who never relied on the universe for anything. She was the one who said it was bullshit and yeah that probably influenced Darcy’s view on the matter.

“Why don’t you go back to this boy and say you’re sorry, I’m sure he’ll forgive whatever mistake you’ve made?” Vivian is still going on about Darcy’s shitty life choices but it may as well be falling on deaf ears.

She doesn’t know why she’s here, she doesn’t know why she thought coming here was in anyway a sane idea.

Her mother’s blissfully happy, that Darcy knows and in some way she’s happy for her, but most of her wants to kick a rock. Because this could have been her and Steve but she was done being second best. Even to herself.

“Mom,” Vivian stops talking, shocked that Darcy would ever call her that, “I’m happy for you, I really am. But I’m not going to find what I’m looking for here.”

Her mother lets out an exasperated kind of sigh, “Yes Darcy, run away again. It’s become one of your best attributes.”

“Love you too, Mother.”

“Don’t you ever get tired of it? Running, from this town, from your life?”

“Not really,” Darcy adds a nonchalant shrug, “People tend to run from me first and like you said, it’s what I’m really good at.”

 

* * *

 

Darcy is headed on a train going nowhere. He life is officially a Journey song.

At least the scenery is pretty.

The shrilling of her Stark phone interrupts the quite peace she finds herself in.

“Where are you?!” Jane's voice comes out at mark 5 decibels, and Darcy winces as guilt floods her system.

She’s a shit friend.

“I’m sorry Janey, I had to leave.”

“We’ve been worried sick; Steve’s been tearing this city apart looking for you.”

Now that she searches her emotions, she can feel the level of frustration and worry biting at her skin and she’s so fucking tired of it all, what the hell does it matter anyway? He chose this.

“I’m fine, I just needed to breathe.” She can hear the relieved breath Jane takes, but it’s short lived.

“Where are you?” She demands of Darcy, “I’ll come get you.”

“I’m lost.” The morbid tone of her voice comes out flat and dead, “In the span of a week, I’ve killed people, got accused of trying to hurt people I care about, actually hurt those people. Found Steve, lost Steve. I don’t know where I’m going Jane.”

“You’re coming home, Darcy.” Her best friend in the entire world says and she wishes she knew where that was.

“I’m different Jane, the things I’ve done. Who I am, I don’t know if I belong anymore, I don’t know what home is.” And that’s the center of all her doubts because no matter what he said, Steve wasn’t willing to fight for her and the tattoo branded on her chest reminded her of the fact that she wasn’t a priority, at least not in the way she wanted to be.

Why was it so difficult for people to love her?

Like she could read Darcy’s spiraling thoughts, Jane went on fiercely, “You have a home Darcy, with the people who love you. I love you. And if I had found you sooner, you wouldn’t be in this mess and you certainly wouldn’t be the only one who killed people. It was self-defense. And I’m so glad you had the strength to fight, because that meant coming back to us.”

Darcy’s smiling so wide her cheeks are sore, well maybe home didn’t have to be with Steve but she did have people who loved he, she had people. And that was enough. It had to be.

Her smile and reply gets savagely ripped from her as mental scrapes against metal and then all Darcy see’s is darkness.

 

* * *

 

**_ 1 week ago _ **

 

They’ve pulled everything from her, Darcy’s memories, her thoughts, her love. It was all gone and she didn’t even know who or what she was anymore.

She has a vague inkling she used to be a fighter? Maybe stubborn too. But it’s all washed away with the tide and Darcy doesn’t have any strength to move against it.

“Darcy, they’ve changed the shifts, we have to go now.” Ben doesn’t wait for her reply, he hasn’t for a long time now. He just grabs her dead weight and runs.

She doesn’t know if the guards sees them, doesn’t care. They must have though cause there’s a shrill sound that sounds eerily like an alarm and then red flashes are trying to blind her.

A shot rings out and then she’s falling, wondering if she’s been shot, wondering if she has the energy to give a shit. Death seemed quite peaceful at this point.

There’s red all around her, her gown is drenched in it, the walls are flashing with it.

But it’s not her blood.

It’s Ben's and he has a half shocked, half relived look on his face.

“Sorry Darcy, I tried. Maybe you can make it out for the both of us.” His soft voice breaks and then he coughs out blood, staining his lips but there’s a small smile on his face and then his just…gone.

Darcy wakes up,

And Darcy hates.

Darcy sees Red.

 

* * *

 

**_ Present  _ **

It was blindingly white and for a second she’s back in that cell, and fear rushes liquid quick into her system and she waits for the flashes of Steve, knowing now not to stop the inevitable.

But there’s nothing.

No Steve.

She can’t comprehend this, doesn’t think the pounding of her heart is going away anytime soon. Because for as long as she wanted this to be gone, she feels blind without his presence.

“Scary isn’t it?” A warped voice comes from her left and a woman stands there dressed in black robes, a stark contrast to the blinding white.

“Who are you supposed to be, the grim reaper?” Darcy stifles a hysterical laugh when the woman in black says nothing, “Oh, oh no.”

The train.

“I’m dead?” She whispers, not actually believing. It’s surreal, she’s here but not _here._

How could she be dead.

“You’re not, not yet anyway.” Her voices is music and its very creepy how perfectly porcelain she looks. “You’re between life and death. In the void.”

Okay sure, limbo then, yeah that makes sense given her luck.

“Can I go back?” Cause that’s the only thing she wants to know really, among the other gazillion other questions rattling around in her head.

“I think the right question would be, if you want to?”

It stuns her for a second, the option of not turning back.

“I don’t understand?” Darcy shakes her head, tries to clear it.

“You’ve been through so much pain Darcy Lewis, and if you go back, there will be more in store for you, are you willing to beat your soul black and blue, to destroy it more than it already is.” The Grim Reaper looks through her, into her very existence like she sees it all, she probably does and Darcy shivers, an ice block running down her spine.

“Or do you want peace; I know how tired you are of fighting.”

She was, she so was. And she felt like she was slowing losing everything.

“Darcy Lewis, you’ve been fighting for so long, isn’t it time you had a break.” The lady in black reaches out her hand and Darcy reaches for her pale fingers hypnotized by the paradise of peace.

“Darcy!” It’s a desperately agonized scream.

She knows that voice, somewhere, somehow she knows that voice.

“You don’t get to do this, you don’t get to die on me. You fight Darcy, you hear me. You fight this!”

“The choice is yours Darcy Lewis, go back and suffer or come with me and stop the pain.”

 

* * *

 

The train is a crumbled mess of metal, there’s a wailing cry from a dozen ambulances but Steve doesn’t notice. Every ounce of his enhanced senses are laser focused on the most beautiful, most important woman cradled in his arms.

He’s sheltering her head, his own resting against hers, his too terrified to move her and anyone who has tried to take her away from him has been pushed back by the force of his rage.

Because this?

This isn’t happening.

She’s not dead, her skin isn’t cold and her pulse is still beating strongly.

Except she’s not, he can’t feel her anymore, not her comforting unique mind and Steve-

He’s going to sit right here and wait until the sun burns itself out.

He should have stayed with her, he shouldn’t have left her, he should have-

There are plenty things he should have done differently, starting at the very beginning when he couldn’t even say hello to the gorgeous smiling woman offering him coffee.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers to her, quietly and so, so fucking painfully, but she doesn’t hear him, she’ll never hear him again. And that’s his fault .

There’s a fire somewhere, he can feel it at his back, but Steve’s pretty sure the cold that’s running through him and dousing the heat is going to be permanent .

He lost his soul after all and it’s nothing less than he deserves .

He was supposed to make her happy but the only thing he succeeded in doing was killing her.

“Come on pal, the paramedics need to take her.” Bucky’s been hiding in the shadows giving him time as he watches Steve bent over the love of his life.

“No,“ Steve shakes his head in denial, of everything. “No, she’s staying with me.”

He looks up and knows his eyes are red and wet, his voice merely a croak, “I promised her, I promised to come back.”

“Steve-“

“No! “He wishes he could feel regret at screaming at his best friend but he doesn’t, he isn’t capable of feeling anything but the crushing pressure of loss and grief. He folds his head back down, tears dropping onto her perfect skin. “Please come back to me, Doll. Please.”

“Okay, since you asked so nicely. “The small and fragile voice comes from beneath him and he tenses, then snaps his eyes wide open to stare and the most amazing shade of blue he has ever seen.

“Darcy,” It’s a sigh of reverence that rushes out of him as he very nearly crushes her to his chest, but remembers she's hurt and gently eases the pressure. “How?”

He doesn’t really care about the answer, it’s a miracle and one he’s not going to let go to waste as he kisses her soft and sweet. Knowing that he thought he would never get the chance again.

“I’m never letting you outta my sight again. Never again.”

“Good,” She breaths out tiredly and it’s the most perfect sound he’s ever heard, because it's her. It’s Darcy and she’s here breathing, talking. Alive. “Because I’m real comfortable here.”

“We need to get her checked out, Punk.” Bucky says rationally when all Steve can do is stare, memorized by her.

“Yeah,” he whispers back and slowly stands with her still in his arms.

“Wait,” Darcy says before he can trek over the rubble, “His name is Thanos. That’s who we're after.”

“It doesn’t matter,” And it really doesn’t, not with the most precious thing in the universe in his arms. “We’ll face it together. Partners, yeah?”

Her smile though tired is blinding and he wouldn’t be able to resist smiling back even if he wanted to. And he doesn't want to.

He really loves this woman and no one was taking her away again. Not even death itself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least they're together now ; ) Don't hurt me. Kudos and comments give me life!


End file.
